What I See

Sick Tuesday

2010-04-06T17:33:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS! I woke up today and felt like crap. Had the body aches, congestion, sore throat, and just wanted to sleep. Did not bother with make up, and barely bothered to get dressed. Just threw on some clothes, and dragged myself out the door to to work, had no desire to be anywhere or doing anything. Was there about half an hour before I came back home. Stopped at Walgreens and picked up some cold pills, came home and slept. Then I woke up and ate something took more cold pills and fell back asleep. Now I am up for the third time, and waiting for the last round of cold pills to kick in, hopefully, I can sleep through the night. So, I am kind of waiting that out. I don't want to fall out too soon or else I will probably wake up at 3 in the morning.

I just feel wiped out, and I am sure that there is not much job enthusiasm, and I wisjh I could figure out this Independent Wealth thing so that I could work on my own schedule and not feel as though I am selling myself short.

Had lots of strange dreams while I was under. The first round of sleep brought this one where I looked inside a slightly dirty white ring box, which was empty, someone gave me two skeleton keys after a lot of maneuvering, they were a reddish pink, sort of irridescent, and one was slightly smaller then the other one. There was another part where I was going through a container at work and I found a bundle of freshly sharpened pencils, all blue.

Then the next round of dreams had me and my dad eating some kind of whipped cream dessert out of a container, I remember it felt normal to have him there, he was hanging out with my mom and they were getting along. Then I was at work, and there were all these girls working in the back on sorting tables, one was made from part of our old shipping station.
Vicky said something along the lines of the work we were doing was stupid, and that nobody seemed to care. I said that we just need to advertise.

Then I was in my car, and the wheel was falling off, and my laptop was sitting on a pile of stuff next to my passenger window, and I was just gonna get out and leave it there, and there was someone in the car next to me that I could not see. I realized that if I had to fix my wheel first, it was propped on with something like velcro. I then found a tricycle, only it just had the left handle, and I had to wrap my right hand around the bar that the left handle was mounted to, so I was hunched over riding. I had to peddle like mad to establish any kind of momentum, when I rode past a group of people, this guy stuck his leg out like he was gonna knock me off, but, he just missed me, but, I still sort of fell, and when I looked down there was a pile of old books laying on the ground. That is all I remember, some strange things, likely created by the medication I took before I fell asleep.

It just makes me think, how active my mind is, how aware that I am that I am selling myself short, that time just keeps passing, and that I do so miss feeling enthusiastic about anything. There seems to be so little that I get excited about, and that worries me, that I need to find that spark, that light that gets me going again, and I need to find the right path, and I think that somewhere, somehow I strayed, I lost my way. I wish I could know when or how that happened, I can guess, but, I am not sure if I would be right. I can only imagine that it happened alot longer ago than I have ever alluded to.

There are sounds of movement in my house, I don't know if they are sounds of someone new arriving or departing, as I no longer seem to know the people that live within this house, kind of like the fact that I no longer seem to knoe the me that loives within my own house- me that is.

Who am I? Where Am I? How did I get here? Where am I going, and will I inevitably like it better then where I have been.
I know that I have been wasting my time and my life and for that I am tru;y sorry and greatly ashamed, and I can only ask for guidance and help to get me on the right path and help me to discover over my true calling, my ultimate happiness, and that I will finally make the changes necessary to make my dreams come to pass.

With God's help, I will succeed, so help- me.

In God's name I pray, trust and give Thanks.
Amen Dear God, Bless us all, Thank You, Namaste.

The Renewal

2010-03-29T16:46:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

I don't know where I am going with this post, or what it means, or what it will entail.

I had some drama, and some cleaning this weekend. I started to realize, crystal clear that there are certain things that we will put up with for the longest time, for whatever reason, as I am not here to speculate on the reasons...then it' s like, why, am I putting up with this.

All of a sudden, it's like a light shines in...

Had all this work anxiety this weekend, probably because, I never checked my computer after Friday, so I had this permeating feeling that chaos was brewing. It was a lot of angst over a job, not a career, just a job, one that is not very challenging at that. I hate to say that it is uneventful, I will not use the word I hate- the b---ng word that I have never been a fan of.

I was in the middle of this post the other night, and I had to shelf it, cos' my mom called me back...awww. I love my mom, she is awesome.

Have ended it with John again today, maybe this time it will stick.

Cleaned the crud off my dashboard, and my windows, threw the garbage out of my car...will have the family in the ride tomorrow for our annual jaunt to the Broadway Market for the Good Friday experience, and, it would be awesome to have the car un filthy. I'm sort of thinking that we sjould all go out and tie one on, start a new tradition...doubtful, but, entertaining to consider I would say.

I seem to be getting far less emotional about the John related crises than I used to... I guess I am just getting over the whole thing, it's been years of this over and over again.

I see that if something does not work, you cannot force it, that only makes it harder. What's done is done, we could end a lot of suffering if we could just accept these things, and get on with it, come on, life is hard enough already, I would say

As for the rest, I am hoping that I can embrace my time alone, and really, utilize it creatively, not trying to figure out what went wrong, where would I start. I would rather create, and get some order, and finally have the peace that I have been seeking.

Sounds like a plan I would say.

Time to move on, and stop being stunted and start flourishing. It is Spring after all, Easter is Sunday, and what better time to renew yourself.

I have the Window open for the first time in months, and it is so good to have the fresh air seeping in the window. I need that fresh air It has finally arrived. YAY!!!

I think it's almost time to take a shower and put the wrap on this night.

I will be back soon.

Peace ,Love, Amen, God Bless, Namaste!

Hmmmm?

2010-03-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!
You have to know yourself really well, o know who you are.

Thinks about that for a sec0nd and realize what that really means and reflect on that thought.

If yoou know who you are, where is the struggle?

The struggle is gone, that existential crisis is gone.

There is no longer no you to find.

The spirit goes.

You know who you are, so now what?

Does mans search for meaning continue, after man finds the meaning?

What's the point after that, when you realize what it all means, in whatever way you have arrived at it, isn't the point of this, what we know, gone?

Isn't that what it is all about?

To attain some level of awareness and experience, I mean isn't that why we are here- to experience the physical condition?

And then what...we go on to another, our spirit never dies, though our bodies will.

Always the necessity for suffering, why ?

We would not appreciate life, except for realizing that somehow, someday, all of our lives will be over. We just wants ours and our loved ones to live as long as possible. We dont want to lose, or be lost. Nobody does. It sucks. It's the sad reality that all things must pass away.

We must rejoice in all that is beautiful in our lives at all times.

So, why can it be so hard, why do we get so caught up,, and give ourselves the permission to forget that we have the privilege of the things that we have, as there are never any guarantees, and we need to remind ourselves.

I hope that makes you think. It sure makes me think, and I remember,all the ways I have allowed myself to forget, that I need to be, appreciating.

I need to remind myself, constantly of all that is sacred and good within my life.

I need to remember that I am blessed.

I get so mad at myself when I feel that I have fallen below my own personal expectations, and I get frustrated, and I realize all the ways that I fail, in my quest to do well.

I get all over my own case for all my misdealings. I know that the things that really bother me, are really important to resolve. I know that what ever it is that makes me really angry is pointing directly towards something that I do not like within myself, and I know that I have to resolve it.

This realization, like all realizations, that one has been a long time coming.

I could really use some help with this, in the most broad expanse of the word.

On that note, I will close this up, and sleep in these thoughts, wahtever they actually mean, and come to some clear headed conclusion.

Wednesday and The Budget Crisis

2010-03-10T17:35:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

If you think that this will be about the budget and the high expectations of the job and all that...you can just forget it. Though a catchy title, it smacks too had of what has been chewing on me all day, and I see that this is an opportunity to vent, albeit, without expounding.

I realize how stupid some things are, how counterproductive, and we smack our heads against the wall, in vein. We struggle after something, thinking that it, whatever it is is going to make us happy, that this thing, whatever it is, is the answer.

It;s not the answer, it never is. I am truly coming to see that whatever we fight towards to acquire, is, the wrong answer.

All of a sudden it seemed today, I became FED UP. It;s like, the week has been a little off, all the way, and then today, I just had it. I realized how ridiculous it all is, being susceptible and capablef receiving another person's mood.I fell face first into another person's mood.

And, it has been poisoning me all day, and I am angry that I have allowed it. I'm sick of receiving other people's crap, and it is just a waste, very tiring, and I need to sleep on that. It sucks, and I will resist that in my life, every step of the way, every day, all the time.

Tuesday Feb. 23, 2010

2010-02-23T17:47:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

So, It's been awhile, and I have been busy doing...whatever it is that I do.
Going through the motions, trying to be a better person, I think I am making some progress. At least, that is what I hope.

Trying not to be so trapped by my thoughts, dealing with the obstacles and challenges as they arise, as opposed to planning how to deal with these things if and when they arise. Just doing my best at being the best that I can be, and getting on.

The mood swings, the roller coaster, not gone, just choosing a new method of dealing, and I think in this life, if you can find alternative methods for dealing, creating as much ease in any given situation that you can muster, that, is a positive step in the right direction.

We all have our ups and downs, you have to remind yourself that these things come with the territory that is this life, that it is all wired into the human condition, that we are all here to make the best of whatever hand we have been dealt, and we have to ride the waves as they come, and not sweat it all so much.

That seems to be the biggest lesson. Things will come up that challenge you, the thing is you have the option of deciding how you will react to these things when they arise. I am starting to see that there are so few things that really warrant getting all bent out of shape about.

We don't have to shift into crisis mode when something happens that seems to strike out of the blue. When you start operating in that vein, it almost feels as if you have forgotten something. Then you realize that you have forgotten to get all worked up over something that maybe once, would have really rattled your cage. There are so many things that really are not necessary to think about all the time, we just THINK, that we have to figure all these things out.

We have to remember that we can tap into that place of harmony, and when we do, we find things that once would have challenged us, or been daunting, no longer effect us in the same way.

I stopped awhile back, to think about all the time that we waste in this life...Overthinking is a big part of it, working ourselves into a frenzy over all the what ifs that cha cha cha through our heads. Think about all the time you spend waiting in lines...the supermarket,the bank, dmv...waiting on red lights, waiting for the program you want to watch, waiting through the commercials, waiting for the coffee to brew/ Waiting, letting our minds run us, while westand about waiting. It's all just a waste. We can't get around the time we spend waiting on things, it's just a part of life. We can however, choose our thoughts, while we are waiting on all the things that we need to do. We have to remember while we stand around, or sit, or whatever, that we manufacture these ideas.

I have lost countless hours, days, weeks of my life, flipping the buttons on my tv remote, looking for some show that will grab my attention, as opposed to shutting it off, and using my time more productively, in a manner that may inevitably benefit me.

Go figure, that I can somehow reconcile this wasted time, because I'm feeling lazy/ unmotivated at that moment, and then I can hate on myself for god knows how long, because I am mad at myself for not doing something better, something else, something that may change my life for the better.

Great little conundrum isn't it???

It's about time to flip the script, embrace the present moment, and if it is not life and death, it's not really worth sweating over. Like, I would really like to type faster, I type quickly now, I just want to be super swift on the keyboard, and I have to practice, and I know where all the keys are...so why don't I close my eyes and just do it? The answer is that as of yet I don't trust myself, and I realize that the key to any great change in this life, or any change for that matter big, or small, you have to trust yourself. Makes you think, doesn't it?

f you want to change anything, you can think about it, and talk about it, and meditate on it, and all that, until you actually do it, it's all just an idea. Like one day, I will sit down and write some great book.

Yes, however, I have not yet done so, and I am still unclear as t0 what this great book is going to be about...so, is it any wonder that this book has not been written yet?

The answer is that I need to find my passion for this. I have to decide that I cannot put it off any longer. So, what am I waiting for???

I'm sure hoping that the answer to this question will finally be answered. I could really ise that resolution so that I can get it all going already.

A great thought to close this entry with it...

Good night, God Bless, Amen and as always NAMASTE!

Monday.

2010-01-25T17:44:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Easing the chest tightness, I think. I am just so angry. I realize that now. Mad, frustrated, irritated. Tired of the corporate non- profit machine, the whole system sucks.
I'm ready for a fresh start, well, maybe I am wrong. I have all these ideas for the changes I wish to make, and then I always worry that someone will get hurt, or something will fall short. I know the change has to come. I want to be self sufficient, I want to work for myself. I had this idea for a not for kid's kids book. I already have the names for a few characters. They are: Ms Twitchy, Ms. Frowsy, Ms.Communicates, and Ms.Guided. ( last one is new, I had a different one written down)and yes, they are based on real people, I would have to find someone else to draw them. If I am really creative, isn't it high time that I start putting that into action?

I haven't been praying like I should, or really, doing much of anything that I should be doing, it seems. I need to pray, meditate, relax and find some peace. Right now, I really want to stop the judging, and here I am feeling hyper critical of so many things in my environment, so I am just completely going against the grain of what I should be doing.
I also feel like I am selling myself short, just wasting my time on so many levels. seem to excel at wasting my time, and then being mad at myself for wasting my time. I know I should be doing something constructive, and there I am, not doing anything that could pass as being good for me. I look young, so why do I feel so old? I feel like I have been around for hundreds of years, and I keep on getting the same lesson.When am I gonna get it? The lesson is do not waste your life, quit squandering your time, and your energy. And the worst part in all that is I KNOW THIS!
I carry all this anxiety, and it is all because, I am not doing what I am meant to do. I am not following my calling, and that is the biggest part, I still seek clarity on the nature of my true calling, so, in the process, I seem to stay stuck, and the frustration builds as a result of that.

There are so many elements of my life in need of an overhaul, and I don't know where to start.
I could sure use some guidance on that. I guess the first place to start is inside, start working on what is necessary to relax and release my anxiety. I need a spiritual diversion. If it means to meditate, or walk, or run, or scream, or sing, or something. I need to find the thing that will unlock all the emotional garbage, and help me to release it. I could use something to distract me from my job, because, that is all it is. It is a job, not a career, not my calling. The work I do to earn my way is just a job, and when that just a job starts to pull your attention so much, cos' it is all that you have allowed yourself to have, or know, then it costs too much. It robs you.And that is the point I have arrived at, feeling robbed. Spiritually, physically, mentally. Where I am has not been where I want to be, and I mean that in the most broad way possible. It is not limited to just one thing. It is all encompassing, it applies to all areas of my life. It also points the finger at settling, something I was so adamantly opposed to, and knowing, that I have allowed myself to settle in far too many areas of my life. And again, the time comes where I must say...Isn't it about time that I changed this, broke the pattern, wrote new rules. The awareness is the first step, and I have been aware for some time.

Only now, can I begin again, to create the conditions that I truly desire within my life, right now, I can change everything. God, I need you on board for this, please, help me out.

Amen, God Bless, Love To All, NAMASTE.

Monday, MLK Day, The Day Off

2010-01-18T16:01:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Tight in the chest, I attempted my self-imposed errands with enthusiasm. My day went against my plans, and I could feel it inside my body. I realize that it seems, I am holding my breath all the time.I could feel it all day today, it was at it's worst when I was driving home. Just all tight inside, had to keep pushing in and out the breath, keep telling myself that I have to relax.
It's like everything comes in together, and my breath only goes so deep within, before it stops.
I have to work on my breathing, and in general, just calm down. I have all these plans for improving all areas of my life, and I am not allowing the guidance, the flow, it is the resistance. I have been allowing the resistance, I have to change that.
I have been watching waaaayyyyy too much t.v. I can feel all that robbing my soul, my true calling. I caught Joyce Meyer today, and there was a message within that I needed to hear, and today, I heard it. I have been hating all over myself for my imperfections. I have been very uptight, I know this, and I berate myself for being judgmental, and feeling like the big HYPOCRITE. Wanting to be better, and just being so angry. I got into an argument with John this weekend, and the next day, it never even came up, we were just normal, and I wonder if I have gotten used to it, or, if we are both changing. We can scream for change, and when it happens, we can just run with it. It always seems like such a shock, when the long awaited change actually happens, sometimes, you may not even see it.
I have been spending time mired in regret and remorse over moments in the past, things I cannot undo, I can only take pride in the fact that I have alot more character now, and would not do the same things, again, as I have learned with time. Just working through alot of resentment, frustration, and I am not happy with it all, and I am trying to let it go, and move on, and some of it just keeps coming back to kick me. Long ago, and faraway, in my quest to want to be a better person, I cannot stop tormenting myself with this. It's like getting through the way I feel, is necessary to my improved reality.
So, let's just say, lately it feels as though I have been a little wound up. I have not been what I think would be the me that I strive and intend to be. I just feel like I am a big jerk, all the time, I hardly talk to anybody, I take it all too seriously, and I should really just relax, and I want to, so bad, I feel like I need some one to talk me through this tension I have carried. It's not just one thing that is slowing me down, it is a whole bunch of things, it is bad.It is John, It is Jason, It is Jodi, It is my Dad, It is the newsstand, and that time in my life, it is a whole bunch of things, that sense that somewhere, I lost my spark, my zest, and I just kind of gave up, and that is not how I want to live. I worry constantly, of the ways that I am judged or have judged myself. It is alot to process. It is about realizing the role that we ourselves actually play in our destiny, our quality of life. I guess that I have been holding my breath for years, since John actively came back into my life, since then, various managed degrees of tension.It feels as though, it has finally started to back up on me, and he is nicer now then he ever was, and I guess that I am still mad, though I keep trying to get over it. I want someone I can get along with all the time, nice and simple, without the drama. And I feel like a guilty fool for that, like, I shouldn't want that.Do I really have any clear idea, what it is that I do want. It's not even a question, I already know the answer.
So, here I sit, trying to breathe a little deeper, and to learn my heart, and only want to be the best me that I can be, and here I sit, stuck, trapped by my own thoughts.

God, World, Great Divine Source, I sure could use some help.

Peace, God Bless, Amen, and Namaste.

Happy New Year 1/17/ 2010

2010-01-17T18:58:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life.
FAITH KNOWS!

Hello Again,

It has been some time, and I haven't been typing very well today, I will do my best.
Working on that new lease on life, though I have been stuck on the same. Have to break out of that. I have to get my chi in line, find my center and work from there.

I feel this tension in my neck and shoulders, holding my breath again. I have to get around that.
I have to fix some things in my life. Create some friendships, work on relationships, create more order, calm myself, pray more, RELAX, and breathe through the tension in my life, stop judging and fearing judgment, I wish I didn't feel like everyone was out to get me. I always feel like I'm the dork, it doesn't seem to matter how much better my style, my hair, I still feel like everyone is talking about me.

Vanity is one of those bad things. Seven deadly, I forgot which #, it just is pretty bad, wherever it stands. I feel like I have lost my way, and I need to trust the guidance that I am being given, I feel like, accidentally, I ended up appointing myself the worrier.

I hate that, who made it my job?

I just want to keep buying clothes, and being better looking, like some days lately, I feel as though I have never looked better in my life, like, I am getting better all the time, and there are the days where I doubt it. I started using WEN and I LOVE It. As long as I can afford it, I will use it. My hair has never looked better, I must say!

So, I go back and forth on the self esteem scale, low, mid, high, my self esteem has fluctuated. I love the good days, and I want waaayyyy more of them.

I always feel like I waste my Sundays, it's just another day that I am not a fan of. It's like the end of something good, Friday is wind down, Saturday is Fun, and Sunday is bounce back and get ready, it just goes so fast, and usually, I just feel like a slug, like today.

I just know, in a nutshell that there are so many things I need to do, to make my life consistently better, and I have to start somewhere, and just accept that positive changes are upon me. I have to start doing the things that I like, that bring me joy, and embrace the good, exciting moments, and make way more of them.

God, I need help, I need someone, somewhere to just come out of the woodwork, and help to guide me, cos; this change that I seek, needs to happen, and Man, do I need help!

Goodnight, God Bless, Amen, Thank You, and NAMASTE!

A Strange Dream And Absence

2009-12-18T22:56:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

I know, it's been a few days, and things have been busy, and strange.
I fell asleep and did not go through the whole night.
Awakened by a dream, that rattled my cage, and is somewhat dissipating already,
strange how the subconscious mind works.

Dreamt of John, he had met someone else, her name Was Zundiz, and people would say how much she looked like me, except for the nose. She wanted to spend all her time with him, and he had kissed her, this is what he had told me, in a strange muffled way, I would ask him what was going on, and when he would answer the words were garbled, indecipherable, and when I awoke I was kind of mad, and disturbed, off from just waking out of my sleep.

I will not attempt to interpret at this time, just make note of it.

We are in the thick of the holidays, Christmas is less then one week away, and it gets you to see how swiftly the time passes.

Christmas makes the transition into the cold, bleak days of winter more palpable.

Fa La LA La La

Lunch with the fam tomorrow at 1 at the Taste Of Thai, that will be a treat.

Errands tomorroe, lot of insight that I will wax upon when the mind is more ready.

My cats are very clearly confused as to why I am awake at this odd hour. I am usually asleep, and they are pulling for me to go back to bed, they are huddling around me, wearing their sleepy faces.

Gotta Love Them, I am so Blessed.

Goodnight, God Bless, Amen and NAMASTE

Snow Day Continued Thursday

2009-12-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Quick Touch...Dishes washed, coffee brewed, litter changed, floor swept, counters wiped.
Next...Is...The CLOSET.
Wish me luck, balance and harmony. By the Way, Bless My Family Again...still...always.
I feel a touch of accomplishment, and it is not quite 10 a.m. AWESOME, yeah.
A W E..S O M E..were awesome! That is Me and The Babies, awwww.

Both awake from naps, they were bickering over the litter box. Territory thing. Floof always wants to first cos' she Loves playing in it. Scratch, scratch scratch scratch...Well lately, Shashu is not having it, she has really been holding her own.

Time to get this started, I shall return.

Amen, Bless Us all, NAMASTE!

SNOW DAY!!! Thursday

2009-12-10T05:45:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

So, after taking a personal day off work yesterday, we get a snow day today- so, instead of relaxing into the fact that we have the day off, I sit here and feel like it's wrong, or that I should get ready and go in anyway.

On the plus side, I did get the parking alternation thing squared away, so, at least I won't get a ticket. The parking violation bureau rarely rests. I just got a ticket the other day...( yuck!)

I feel bad for everyone else in my family, anyone who had to work.

I pray for their safety, well being and security, of course, all filled up with my love.

I will not allow myself to waste this day. This is a good start. This would be a great day to work on my closet, i.e. my nemesis, and free that clutter and wasted space from my life. I need to go in and do total Recon-Before that, I see a litterbox that needs some changing, 1st, maybe more coffee...

I can't believe all the comedy on t.v. during the day...Awesome, I have gotten a couple good laughs this morning, so hay, why not...

I keep trying to be a better person. I feel like I have not done so hot, a few times recently. Let's just say that I am trying and observing, so maybe as a result, I am that much more self critical. Let us just say that me thinks that I think too much. Always been my weakness, I am full blown Good at it now. I can't just relax into an experience, I have to contemplate and analyze.

I need to practice the art of Relaxing.

I need to practice giving myself a break.

Stop thinking that things have to be more complicated then they are. I know that everything does not have to be so hard. I have to remember that life is supposed to include elements of joy.

I need to start working on the joy, and a little less on the thinking, I need to begin relaxing into the moment, the experience. This will require some form of meditation, which I have still been erratic on. However, I see that I will need to establish some sort of something there as that will help bring me peace. Just some time in the quiet, not thinking. What an idea, what a concept. I am open to the experience, and I invite it to come.

Bless This Day, Make It Positive, Safe, Harmonious And Productive. I will do the best possible things for myself.

Bless My Family, Friends And Loved Ones, Please, Lord, Help To Keep Us All Safe!

Thank You God, Bless Us All, Amen, and NAMASTE!

Moody Saturday

2009-12-05T18:36:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

It started normally enough...Shash pawing at my face to awaken me, cos' she was hungry, and she is the Queen of the house. I just pay rent so that her and Floof can run the place. I also found that when I set up my coffee last night, I inadvertently turned on the timer, so the coffee was brewing at 6:30, and I didn't get out of bed until 8, so the coffee was already rotten by the time I awoke, so, I drank it anyway.

I had all these things that I was gonna do. I took a shower, made FRESH coffee, and decided that I really needed a nap at around 11:30 cos' the sleep I had was incomplete.

I fell out a little after 12 and it was the nicest rest, Floof was next to me, all warm and purry like she does, and it was the best nap I had in ages. Then the phone woke me, and it was a wrong number, so the call was not even intended for me. I laid back down, and I kept hearing this motorcycle revving next door, and then I became aware of the exhaust stink permeating the atmosphere, seeping through the windows, and I knew that I could not go back to sleep.

I finally started getting ready to get going, and I went outside to check the weather, and I spot a bill from the phone company, i.e. internet provider. For some reason, I opened it, and I am glad that I did, as it appeared to be a cancellation notice! Imagine my shock, I went through all this stuff with the phone company a few weeks ago, re: a scam by an outside company that cold calls, blah blah blah that tells you that you will save money if you switch long distance carriers, turns out it was bs, and that it voided the phone package I had thus 3x my bill. So I had called the company a few weeks back, thought it was all straightened out, I figure this was an error, but, I paid it anyway, after a lean week before payday as it is, and let's just say that I was not too happy.

So unhappy, that I killed the handicapped remote that I had nearly murdered a few times before. It had to go, it was on it's last legs and all that. Let's just say that the notice did not create positive events initially...

I am not proud.

Then, I left to drive to the Res to buy what I hope will be one of my last ever cartons of cigarettes, and the beginning of the trip was tense. I nearly rear end somebody at a light, I dropped a lit cigarette under my seat, had to pull over to find it, then realize that I had to cool myself out, so, I start praying. First all formal, my standard prayer, then more diligent, and natural, like I am talking out loud, just working it through, and finally, PEACE starts to come.

I get to the Res, in and out, drive all that way for an exchange that takes about 45 seconds, and on the way back the Jabez prayer comes to me, and I start saying it over and over again.

Oh Lord, That you would bless me indeed, and expand my territory, that your hand would be with me and that you would keep me from evil.

Once I hit the city I am CALM, very much at peace, and I know that if I can continue this prayer, I will be alright.

I go to John's as I have a carton of cigs for him, and the whole time the prayer keeps playing in my head, I just keep repeating it.

Then, I go to his house for a while, drink a beer, still okay.

By the end of the second beer, I am ready to slam him.

It occured to me how much I did not want to be there, and I started to get together to leave, and I just wanted to void him from my life.

He didn't do anything different then what he usually does. He was actually pretty normal for him. I just had to get out of there.

When I get home, I find the lost battery to my remote, and tried to repair it, to no avail. I really killed it this time.

Oh well.

Then, I see that I have 2 messages, another one from my brother Lance, saying that he is hanging out with my brother Leigh and that they want to see what I was up to.
The other is from my mom. Apparently we are all going to eat tomorrow after 5, and I am invited. I almost called to say No, that I wasn't going. Then, I didn't. I just started bawling. Tears of frustration.

Then, I git here, figured I would air myself out, and I guess I feel better.

It's just that I am beginning to see that there are so many holes in my life, so many big blank spots that need to be filled, and that they can't be filled by beer, or John, or new clothes, or anything tangible.

I guess the answer is that the holes in my life can only be filled by God, or some higher power, and that is really where I need to put my attention in the present.

On becoming a better person through the cultivation of faith, guidance and love.

There is no other way.

With that, I close this piece to sort my thoughts, pray my prayers, and return to a place of PEACE.

Goodnight, God Bless, Amen and always, NAMASTE!

Monday After The Rest....

2009-11-30T18:20:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life.

FAITH KNOWS!
I was so grumpy early today. I did not seem to want to get out of bed. I got to work and there were 2 hours of cleaning up book catastrophes, then the book cages started rolling in, and chaos reigned.

Enough about work, the chaos dissipated, replaced with a dull lethargy that I carried throughout the day.
There were many thoughts crashing through my brain today. There I was stuck in the past that seemed to be interfering with the simplicity of my present.

It's like I want him to go so far away and that I also want to know that he is there.

The wishes and wantings that carry you through, that dream of something better for yourself, with little forward motion.

The hope that some day this will be the right time.

Easy to talk yourself out of it, easy to lose the way, and to go and forget...

To convince yourself that you will really change this.

Why so nervous?

Why so scared?

What are you waiting for?

..................................................................................

Every dot in that line was a second. See how quickly it passes.

Makes you think, doesn't it???

It sure is making me think. ALOT.

Time to let go, and Trust.

Just something to Think ABout Tonight.

Peace, Love, God Bless, Amen and as always...Namaste.

The Day After Continued

2009-11-27T07:10:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Go figure that I inadvertently submitted my last post 2 sentences in...
There are no accidents, maybe I am not supposed to touch that intended subject.

I struggle as of late with my own expectations and ideals. I know, that I want something different, something with more substance. I cannot yet determine if that something different is spiritual, physical, romantic. I cannot label it, and therefore, I cannot name it.

I get so caught up in the observations, that I miss the experiences.

I have the need to meet new people, and broaden my personal horizons, and this shy kid, who lives, way beneath the surface comes up, and reminds me that I should not take the chance, and the what ifs begin. I know, that it is all a bunch of crap. I realize that the life I have will not magically change into the life that I want, and it is necessary that I participate.

I just have to tap into that source of courage, find that spunky chick I know that I can be, and get out there in the world and take more risks.

Christmas is coming, and, as opposed to lots of pretty, well wrapped presents, I would really like some new, healthy, balanced friendships, and I have to get out there and start making them happen.

It seems that there is so much much excitement, and I have been sitting alone, on the other side of this imaginary wall. Everyone else is beautiful, and having fun, and meeting new people, and I am playing the role of well dressed, fashionable recluse!

I know, that is a little melodramatic. I just think that I need to get out in the marketplace of life right now, Like the TAO says. I think this is the time where the bnest thing for me is being in motion, being in the moment, and learning through the experiences, and chill a little on the independent observations. Yes, I* will still observe, I will justcall out all my strengths, harness my confidence, and get out in the world and observe life from an active, participating place. Live in it, breathe it, experience it, and see what fresh insight will arise from that perspective. So help me god. The time has come for some good, healthy, invigorating change.

Let us begin a new.

I love you god, thank you for all that you do, in all the ways you do it.

Peace, Love amen and NAMASTE!

Thanksgiving, The Day After

2009-11-27T07:06:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

What is it about the holidays? The expectations, the rise in tension, the need to be a people pleaser.
Norman Rockwell Painting, I and my family are not. I am sure that this is how it is in most households

Monday, Ongoing Awareness, It is Always At Work

2009-11-16T17:38:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!
This is great, I have a plan to write. However, first I have to paste a Daily Om from Today. This is great. I think it ties in with the idea I have to write:

November 16, 2009
Owning Your Emotions
Name It and Claim It

Our feelings can sometimes present a very challenging aspect of our lives. We experience intense emotions without understanding precisely why and consequently find it difficult to identify the solutions that will soothe our distressed minds and hearts. Yet it is only when we are capable of naming our feelings that we can tame them by finding an appropriate resolution. We retake control of our personal power by becoming courageous enough to articulate, out loud and concisely, the essence of our emotions. Our assuming ownership of the challenges before us in this way empowers us to shift from one emotional state to another—we can let go of pain and upset because we have defined it, examined the effect it had on our lives, and then exerted our authority over it by making it our own. By naming our feelings, we claim the right to divest ourselves of them at will.

As you prepare to acknowledge your feelings aloud, gently remind yourself that being specific is an important part of exercising control. Whatever the nature of your feelings, carefully define the reaction taking place within you. If you are afraid of a situation or intimidated by an individual, try not to mince words while giving voice to your anxiety. The precision with which you express yourself is indicative of your overall willingness to stare your feelings in the face without flinching. Naming and claiming cannot always work in the vacuum of the soul. There may be times in which you will find the release you desire only by admitting your feelings before others. When this is the case, your ability to outline your feelings explicitly can help you ask for the support, aid, or guidance you need without becoming mired in the feelings that led you to make such an admission in the first place.

When you have moved past the apprehension associated with expressing your distressing feelings out loud, you may be surprised to discover that you feel liberated and lightened. This is because the act of making a clear connection between your circumstances and your feelings unravels the mystery that previously kept you from being in complete control of your emotional state. To give voice to your feelings, you must necessarily let them go. In the process, you naturally relax and rediscover your emotional equilibrium.

Well, since last I wrote, I have gifted 2 people different things. They were: The earrings, I also gifted a blouse. Both seem well received. Today, I said it wasn't about the reward. Then, 1st I'll mention I was given a pack of gum the other day, so I thought that was cool!
I got a bill fom my dentist on Saturday. Then, I got another one today. I couldn't understand at first, then I figured that they had to add something. So, I come in, open one, and I see, marked across my bill- Balance Paid In Full. Thank You.

I did not pay that bill.

Amazing. It was My Mom. I figured that out. I called her and thanked her profusely. She had offered me before to help, and I had declined. Well, she went there to get some work done, and asked to pay my bill. She told them that If I called to ask about it, that they were to tell me that the tooth fairy did it. Absolutely wonderful.

All I can say is that keep doing the nice things for the sheer joy of it, not, for the reward.

I have to get my moods under control. I have been feeling off again. I thankfully stopped myself from saying something to someone who rubbed me the wrong way. A few people did. It's like people full of their own trouble like to spread it around. Me, I just stay in the cage and do my work. I don't go and seek the others out. Gosh, How angry I got today, and I tried to suck it back, talk myself down. I haven't been as diligent as I need to be in my prayers as of late, and I have to set that straight.

I need to do all the things that are good for me. I need to hypnotize myself, meditate, get tranquil. I have been out of sandalwood for weeks, as they were shipping it by water from India to Surya, and I got a warning letter, 4-6 weeks without my sandalwood. I can feel just how much I miss it. I think that has contributed to my mood as of late. I need the things in my life that balance me, and keep me whole. I believe in something bigger then the dreck that is so easy to get sucked into. There is more to life then getting angry and getting by, that whole thing with getting through the day is crap. Every day becomes another day that has to be gotten through, and where is the joy in that?

I have to remember that and spend more time focused on the things that make me feel better, and less on what I don't need.

I must spend my time and thoughts with care, as all things in life are an investment.

Thanks again Neville, you inspire me. That reminds me, I saw the book your faith is your fortune in my dream the other night, and I know, Know, Know that I have to read it again, as this is the time to begin strengthening that faith again, as it can take me so many amazing places. Lest ye had faith you could move mountains. I am ready, to move those Mountains. Or in the truest measure of faith...What Mountains???

Epiphany

2009-11-03T14:58:00.000-08:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

I was sitting here, lost in the world of my thoughts, when at last it occured to me, what is the anxiety, the tension coursing through my body as of late. Feeling the twinge of a cold, that I shall conquer! I see that I have been so caught again, in my thoughts...Pulling away from the past, and wondering about the future, and I knew, again, that the place I have to be is in the here and now, so caught up in what has been or what will be. Why not embrace the here and now? Why get caught at all? When you know what it is, and what it means. Why be anywhere else.

I had this idea, about giving everyone I know a small gift. Then, I thought about it and decided that it was a bad idea. Because, how could I do it in a way that could just be neutral and nice?

See, this is the thinking thing,

If we all did things that came from a place that was just pure of heart we wouldn't worry.

I have this deep frustration towards a local figure in a jewelry commercial. She drives me bananas- and that is not in the Rachel Zoe way, and I try to figure why she bugs me so much. Is it the voice, the clothes, the hair? I don't know, could be a combination of the three. It is irrational to be so aggravated by such a small glimpse of someone...over saturation?

I should be rich. I would be so good at it, trust me.

That was unrelated to any previously mentioned thoughts.

Is worrying genetic???

Are we either born with it, or not. I say that we may be born with a gene, and either our environment feeds those thoughts, parents, siblings, etc.

Think about all the things, at this moment that you have to be excited about. I can name 5, right now!

Find what you know to be good in the here and now, and focus your attention on that. Right now, here, I am writing. That is a BIG Good thing. I drive myself crazy when I don't. Tension with John, have not talked with him since Sunday Morning, and though I miss talking to him because I am USED to talking to him, and good or bad, is that a reason to really miss someone?
Is that enough?

Our lives are balanced through the transitions.
As odd as that may seem, that is the TAO, the way things should be. The tendency is always there to fight, to struggle, to make our point, get our say, whatever. Why do we have to be right all the time?

There is a time for motion, there is chaos, there is rest. This is the nature of things. Accept the balance at play as it happens, don't fight it.

I get a kick out of Dave, the maintenance man at work. He actually adds quite a bit of color to my day. Then, there is Alvin at the Donations door. He tells great stories without a word.
Vicmali, my assistant, that's my girl! She is awesome?Brings her own light to the day, always so sweet and balanced. She gets a kick out of me too! So, it is great!!!

Many good things, give thanks. Have mom on the phone, so gotta go.

Peace, God Bless, Amen, Namaste!!!

Monday 10-26-2009 A Long Retreat

2009-10-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

I know that I have been absent. I have been busily observing the world, engaging in my life, and taking quite a few mental notes. I have been learning alot about myself, and that is scary. When you start observing HOW you truly come across, it is not all flattering. Realization, self at that, works both ways. The awareness is wonderful, full of insight, and the rough part is seeing your truest colors.

So, we wake up everyday, intent upon doing and being our best, we have to, there is no other way. We have to seriously want to be better people.

And through that desire, we become better people. As, there is no other way.

I know it is short, but, it is how I feel.

Monday 101209

2009-10-12T16:55:00.000-07:00

Remember that you have the power to shine your own light

I try everyday, waking with the intention that this will be a good day, that today, I will do better, I will get it right. I study the nuisances of the day, recall the smiles, the laughs, the busy, and the things that I take wrong, and that I sit and talk myself out of however I feel about that, I try to shake it off , and move it along.

I have to always remind myself, that the only person who has the power to talk me through what I am feeling, is ME. I am the only one that can talk myself down, no outside source can save me from what is going on in my head. I have realized that all the reassurance I seek is within my own head. I can't ask you to know how I am feeling.

Trust yourself, follow your inner guidance, screw other people's opinions, they have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Know yourself. Love yourself. Believe in Yourself. Always, do your best!!!

God Bless, AMEN, Peace, Be Well. NAMASTE!!!

Thursday October 8, 2009

2009-10-08T18:53:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

It's been a day. It's been a week. I haven't been so excited to see the end of a week in I don't know how long. It's a big deal. I need some form of laundry therapy, I think. If I can't seem to type, i's only because I am typing at a strange angle right about now.

I received my camera the other day, and I taped for crazy the last couple days ( when I was home) Now, I am just a slug;\\I taped a few minutes of the cats and myself, asnd then I just threw in the towel. It was too much. I am just ready for sleep. All I can say right now is:

Watch the thoughts, and watch the words coming out of your mouth.
Diligence.
Absolutely necessary, around the clock.

Good Night, God Bless, Amen NAMASTE!!!!

Swift Monday, YEAH!

2009-10-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

I woke up knowing that I have to write something. I went out and bought myself some stuff this weekend, like I had money to spend$$$$Rich thoughts. Of course, I always spend, and then get on my own case...which stinks. Like, did you really need to buy that, was it worth the money?
I have to get over this. There are people who could spend what I spent this weekend in 10 minutes, and not blink an eye, so for what it is worth It is not that bad. I still had the conditioned guilt patterns that have to be resolved and removed. At least for that, I am self aware,so i will get over it. That is my intention. Back on the intentions agaiin, or still???

We must remember to guard those thoughts, talk ourselves down if we get judgemental, life is hard enough without throwing the idea that everyone see it your way, or agree with you for that matter. We have to remember that it is ok not to agree, just to keep a lid on it.

Accept the differences, stop comparing.

It has been hard, I know. It just takes making a habit of listening to every word that is coming out of your mouth, and filtering!
When you think, I just have to put my two cents in here, whether or not it makes any lkkingd of diffeence. STOP.

Don't say it. When you bite it back, the urgent need to say that oh so important yet likely, unproductive thing. STOP> Just shut your mouth, and the urge will pass. It is a test, every interaction...Is a test. To see if we are getting it yet. Don't get roped into poisoning your atmosphere with toxic thought, it will not help.

Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

God bless, amen, sleep well, good day tomorrow. NAMASTE.

Tuesday, The Day Of Tummy Ache And I AM Recall

2009-09-29T18:56:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Just a quick stop with some I am's to live By:

I AM:
Successful
Happy
Strong
Loving
Harmonious
Peaceful
Beautiful
Intelligent
Responsible
Capable
Wealthy
Harmonious
Balanced
Remarkable
Dynamic
Loved
Loving
Relaxed
Healthy
Considerate
Compassionate
Patient
Kind
Friendly
Confident
Secure
Serene
Joyous
Delightful
Sweet
Careful
Conscientious
Non Judgmental
Meditative
Forgiving
Loyal
Renewed
Spirited

Just a few to get the ball rolling, some thoughts to think, some I AM's to embrace-
I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM

Bless this day and all those that I love so dear, protect us all and keep us safe. Amen. Rest Well. Love to all. NAMASTE, remember I AM.

Rainy Days And Mondays.September 28, 2009...

2009-09-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Had a dream I was back at my old job again, with my old boss, who died 3 years ago on Wednesday, strange.
Also dreamt that there was a mouse in my house that kept running by my cats, they just didn't seem to see it, so I caught it in my hand and threw it outside, a minute later it was back in the house again...Hopefully, if they see a real mouse they will know what to do, and, they will deal with the evidence, so that I don't have to find it.

I was invisible at work today, which was cool in a way, as Monday is not a bad day to be unseen.

I'm gonna work on that for the next day or so, and let you know what comes of it.

I just ask that God keep us all safe, give us a good night of sleep, and wake us tomorrow on time, which did not happen today.

Keep your head up, your thoughts on the straight and narrow, don't jump to judgement and just stay cool. Remember, focus on the good, the best, and forget the rest, as it does not help.

God Bless. Rest well, amen, and always, NAMASTE.

Saturday Morning 8:40 a.m.

2009-09-26T05:40:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

I have awakened this am to a few realizations, maybe arrived upon from unrest, or some kind of sleep induced reality potion. If I want my life to become better, everything in it requires an overhaul, everything.

I need to open my heart and my life to new people and experiences. I'm thinking fresh faces all around, the coworkers for the most part are ghost like entities that need to be circumvented to attain and maintain any true peace of mind, there are a few that are ok, the rest just need to fade out, out of my vision, interaction and any thoughts.

The toxicity levels around me as of late are staggering, and as I see that it is required of me to do my best, I must ascend to new levels, and be the best possible person that I can be, and that will require work, effort, and faith. Faith in my self, in the belief that I an doing the right things, making the best possible decisions, and pointing myself in the best, most healthy direction at all times. This will require a full blown spiritual make over.

I can see what works in my life, and what doesn't. It seems that there are a few elements that are not working, as much as I would like to think otherwise, it's just me denying a reality that has been staring me in the face for a long time, I just did not want to see. It's almost sad, when something is there, staring at you, and you just still will not see, it makes you realize that there are so many lies we tell ourselves on a daily basis, just to get through that day.

Self Love is necessary, and when you feel that you have allowed yourself to compromise that self love in any way, it becomes disconcerting. Like, if I have allowed myself to accept, and tolerate something that has no real purpose in my life, and I keep going through the motions, and accepting it, then, what else will I settle for? How far will I allow this to go?

It is time to assess and repair, reconfigure and restructure. That is the farthest my caffeine will take me just yet, it's a start.

I will get back to you later, after the day unfolds, to check in and make sense of whatever insight the day has brought into my head.

God bless, be well, amen, and thank you god, all the time. NAMASTE,

TGIF God, You Rock

2009-09-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

A Long, strange week. I'm glad I'm on my own time, I need to focus my energy this weekend, and work on the things that will help open the channels for me to create.

The house, and my room really need some refreshing, as things are getting a little thick around here, I have John here, and he just keeps talking...we are all god's children, so I can't judge, even though he is driving me crazy. In his own special way.

I am looking forward to some down time, that along with productivity. I will try to get it all in balance, and make the best of it. I have to check out for the night, as I am being distracted from all sides.

God Bless us all, keep us safe, amen and namaste.

Thursday 92409

2009-09-24T17:09:00.001-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

For what it is worth, this week has gone fast, and tomorrow is Friday!!!
Thank You GOD

Practicing some form of detachment as of late, or maybe not practicing, it's just happening.

I am not sure of my place, or what the future holds, and where I used to wonder about these things, right now, I just do not care, and I don't think that this is bad.

I spent years of my life analyzing, trying to make it all line up, now, I am just indifferent- It's a different state of mind to occupy, at least for me it is. There are the worries the thoughts that will travel through my head, and now I am just pushing them out.

I seem to like talking to people more that I never really spoke to before, and wanting less to speak with people I usually speak to...I don't know what that is all about.

It seems that there is alot of emptiness that I am seeing, people whose lives revolve around their television programming schedule, it's just that I am starting to see how empty it all is, like where is the quality of life? Or, is this it, is quality of life what I watch on tv, so that I can stand around and discuss it all day long?

I just think lately that alot of what we do or think or believe is only designed to make us feel important on the surface...Let me rethink that statement, as it didn't come out quite right.

Rather I should say, is this all there is? Isn't life an opportunity, a fleeting one I know, but, isn't it our chance to make our mark? Are we supposed to be work horses? Come home spent, eat, and veg out in front of the tv until bedtime, IS THAT ALL THERE IS???

I come home beat, for a meager wage, a home that I only want to make better, a craving for something more, something that nourishes my soul, restores my energy, and brings me to the best possible place, I want a better life,, and I get frustrated that The people I talk to live on one level, and I have to walk that line, never let my true self shine, as it would all be lost on them , so I have to keep my beliefs and ideas to myself, I can't even be free on facebook, cos there are too many coworkers there, so I have to censor myself. This is the only place I can go to say what is in my heart and on my mind in one way or another.

I just really want a better life, better friends, better home,better better better job, like the kind that I could do from the comfort of my own home, where I don't have to talk to anybody, or get dressed unless I feel like it, and still get a paycheck every week, at least, maybe more, where I will never worry about money or comfort again, and on top of that, I am happy, like, all the garbage and the stress is gone, and I am just genuinely happy, at peace and satisfied with all areas of my life. I believe in change, I believe it is a part of life, I think stagnancy sucks, and I am alarmed by how much is around me, and that it threatens to suck me in, and I WONT ALLOW IT!!!

I have lived this long, and kept going, and I am going to keep pushing ahead, because, I won't allow myself to curl up and cop out, it is just not happening.

I get joy in the little things, the girls ( floof and Shash) greeting me at the door when I get home, petting and squeezing them until I get some purrs, flopping down in my chair, knowing that the day is done, at least the part of the day that wasn't mine to begin with, that is a great feeling, I must say.

I am ready to start moving up, to have more, to feel better, and harness my enthusiasm, and like all good things, all necessary changes, when do I start, NOW! How, however, just trust the flow and roll with it.

Thank You God, Amen, Sleep Well, NAMASTE

Tuesday 922-09

2009-09-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Forgive me if it takes me awhile to remember how to type, as I have been so slow in so many ways today, all day, morning til' night.

I have watery eyes, and I am tired, I would like to convince myself otherwise, that this was not the case. I don't think that I can talk myself out of this need for sleep. This is just the way it is going today. I have realized that when you consciously choose to NOT Complain, It removes alot of words, spoken and otherwise. No vocal or written venting.

That frees up alot of time, and mental space to just contemplate or think...on good things, or realize that in this moment you have freed yourself from the need to think about anything. Strange, and so liberating.

I am going to roll with this as long as I can...

Monday 92109

2009-09-21T18:21:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

You ever notice you hear a song, a song you have not heard in years, and in that moment, you are taken back, to another place, a lost moment. I stand still in time, and I am 15 or 16 again, an insecure teen with a bad walk, too much hair spray, too much make up, excess everything.

In that moment, with 20 other years and experiences under my belt, I remember myself. at that moment when there was excitement in that passion. That thump thump thump excitement, that skip a beat feeling when you saw your crush, that enthusiasm, hope creates many things.

When you step into another moment, it can change you.

When you know who you are, and where you have been, it can make you think.

Moments you would do so differently, as an adult, and the things that you would never do again.

It makes me think of my old best friend, this music takes me back to her and that time, and I think, there were things I did, that I wish I could undo, and I can't and I have to live with that.

I also know that we will never be teenagers again, and we will never again meet on the way we see the world, and that is why we are where we are, the friends that we are no longer, because, that is time, and time marches on, for all of us.

I realized as I grew older, and wiser, how dear my family is to me, all those lost moments with them, that I cannot get back, that , I can only treasure the moments that I have, that is all I can do, and not get caught dwelling.

I can only focus on the best that is here and now, in these moments, I know that is the only place my attention should be.

This is the best thing for all of us. Right now, don't sweat life, there is no prize, this is it, The answer is in your mindset. Focus your attention on what you love, and let go of the things that you don't.
Titles, homes, cars, all that stuff, only means what you think it means. Think about that for a minute....

Sunday Night 92009

2009-09-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Weekend went by fast, they always do. Washed my floors, switched curtains in my living room, changed my shower curtain and bath mats.

Not sure of what I think, it is different, it seems experimental though, like it's gonna need to get tweeked, only time will tell.

There is another new week beginning, I just want to do whatever.

I have amassed great wealth inside my mind, now I manifest it in reality...

Talk about a mantra.

Rather, I manifest great wealth!

I manifest great wealth and happiness.

I have amassed great wealth and happiness.

Take a good idea and make it better.

Dig deep within yourself and remember, who you are.

Focus the energy and attention on the things that you want, the repetition within yourself creates the fruition of your desire.

Train yourself to believe in the things that you desire.

Remember, yourself, and what it is that drives you. Focus your energy and thoughts on what you love, experiences, feelings. Thinks about what you really want, not why you cant but rather how you can, feel yourself into the experience...

Thursday Afternoon 91709

2009-09-17T11:17:00.001-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS! This is from a Daily Om, and I had to attach, as it ties in with some of the things I have been talking about:

September 17, 2009
Spreading Your Light
How You Affect Others Daily

As the pace and fullness of modern life serve to isolate us from one another, the contact we do share becomes vastly more significant. We unconsciously absorb each other’s energy, adopting the temperament of those with whom we share close quarters, and find ourselves changed after the briefest encounters. Everything we do or say has the potential to affect not only the individuals we live, work, and play with but also those we’ve just met. Though we may never know the impact we have had or the scope of our influence, accepting and understanding that our attitudes and choices will affect others can help us remember to conduct ourselves with grace at all times. When we seek always to be friendly, helpful, and responsive, we effortlessly create an atmosphere around ourselves that is both uplifting and inspiring.

Most people rarely give thought to the effect they have had or will have on others. When we take a few moments to contemplate how our individual modes of being affect the people we spend time with each day, we come one step closer to seeing ourselves through the eyes of others. By asking ourselves whether those we encounter walk away feeling appreciated, respected, and liked, we can heighten our awareness of the effect we ultimately have. Something as simple as a smile given freely can temporarily brighten a person’s entire world. Our value-driven conduct may inspire others to consider whether their own lives are reflective of their values. A word of advice can help others see life in an entirely new fashion. And small gestures of kindness can even prove to those embittered by the world that goodness still exists. By simply being ourselves, we influence other’s lives in both subtle and life-altering ways.

To ensure that the effect we have is positive, we must strive to stay true to ourselves while realizing that it is the demeanor we project and not the quality of our wondrous inner landscapes that people see. Thus, as we interact with others, how we behave can be as important as who we are. If we project our passion for life, our warmth, and our tolerance in our facial features, voice, and choice of words, every person who enters our circle of influence will leave our presence feeling at peace with themselves and with us. You never know whose life you are affecting, big or small. Try to remember this as you go out into the world each day.

My pieces will be added later, right now, I have some errands that need to be run...Namaste!

Moody Wednesday 91609

2009-09-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

My day started fine, by late afternoon I had emotionally deteriorated, or at least started to. In the tail end of my cycle, I could feel that I was too emotionally attached to other people's actions, looks, behaviors, everything. I hate mood swings, and here I am deep in the middle of one, and I am trying to shake it without destroying everything in my path in the process.

I went to John's for a sandwich and to wash and dry a load of clothes, clothes that took two hours to wash and half dry, it was only one load, and it wasn't even finished, and I stormed out of there with a basket of wet clothes that I had to dry while I was here, and I thought that was a big waste of time, I was so frustrated. He didn't fight me, let me leave in my agitated state and told me to call him if I wanted, I didn't. Hopefully, I won't feel terrible about that tomorrow.

Then, I went on facebook and an off handed comment from my one boss to a coworker who had missed the seme meeting that I had missed this afternoon was to the effect that anyone who misses meetings gets talked about the whole time, and that bothered me, and I know that it was all in jest, however, based on my mood, I was almost ready to deactivate my fb account, I know I have to chill.

These are the kind of days when I really miss my dad, and the clever things he would say, noneof which are clean enough to repeat here, cos' that is not what I am going for either.

Then I remembered the Four agreements which has been sitting on my shelf for quite some time so I dug it out....Made me think. I am going to attach the post that I almost put on my fb page and thankfully deleted, hopefully, it's still here:

Paranoia, or intuition, what is your gut telling you? Who is your friend, and who is your foe? Somebody better tell me, cos' I no longer know. Room to move, room to grow, I know the faces that speak behind my back, I shouldn't give a damn, cos I know that they are whack, still I let it bug me, and I shrug it off, til the day it's just too heavy, a burden I can't cast off. I keep my head down and my eyes low, cos' if I just keep moving, they won't see me come or go. Confidence, head up high, it's all a show. Shouldn't matter what they say, cos' me, they just don't know.

Yup, it did stick, and I think that I am coming down now, however, I still posted that I was going to deactivate, because at that moment in time, I had, had it with everybody.

I'm glad that I am feeling better now, and snapped my mouth tight, or rather my fingers and stopped myself from saying all the things that were going through my head. I still think that maybe it is necessary to tart an alternative fb page for spiritual and creative pursuits only, none of the bs games, quizzes and poli rants. Its tired, and I am tired, tired and on fire at the same time. I'm taking half the day off on Friday, and if I could I would ditch work entirely tomorrow, just because. I'm glad that I will be working in a cage in a few weeks, as it seems fitting to me right now. I always joked that I wanted to work in a cave, all by myself, this is pretty close to that, only, I will be able to see out, we shall see how that goes. In due time, I will have created something brilliant that I will be able to live off of, and there will be no more daily working stiff for me, I need to get on with my life, away from the energy draining masses, and just be by myself, me, with my laptop, ideas, patience, focus, money to make my way, and a whole lot of inspiration. That's the dream, and I am dreaming it, I should not just be some stressed outworking stiff, I wouldn't ba able to live with myself, hey, it get's harder to live with my life everyday, as I clearly know, that it has got to be better then this.

I know this much, that this is not all that there is. There are too many opportunitities in this life, too many choices. We can confine ourself, to small, simple, safe places, or we can branch out and strive for something more. For years I have been seeking my joy. I know that the only real joy I have ever known, is doing this, writing. Do you want a story , hey, I'll write you one.

I'll also tell you the truth, at least the truth that I see. The things I love, and I am so scared to touch the things that I hate, the things that hurt me. It's like those thoughts are poison, and it is venting, and then I am there venting poison, which goes completely against what I believe, so it's an internal struggle I am dealing with right now.

I have old notebooks filled with heartbreak and struggle, and there are also pages filled with tales of my days of awakening. I have been asked why I keep the tough stuff, why don't I just burn the bad notebooks, get rid of them?
What's the answer, they brought me to here...
I cant reconcile within myself parting with those, because they were a time in my life, a time that through pain, loss, remorse, and sorrow helped me grow and made me want to be a better person.

For what it's worth, I know this was a different kind of post, and maybe that is good, it is real and that is me. My battery is drained, mine and my computers. We both need to to sleep. Thanks for being here, there, wherever you are. Thanks to god for getting me through this day, Bless us all and keep us safe. God bless, and namaste. AMEN.

Tuesday 91509

2009-09-15T17:52:00.001-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

I'm gonna start, shower then start again. So if I disappear for a moment, don't fret, I'll be back.
I didn't do the big clean that I spoke of yesterday, I did a mini. The washer was busy when I got home, and I never got near it. I did however, wash my dishes, quick swept the floor and freshened the bathroom. Will need to do the rest before the weekend.

I know it's terrible, I found that I had 2 extra packs of cigs in my freezer and that made me happy, and it shouldn't for obvious reasons, as that is a habit I have got to kick.

Today was eventful and uneventful simultaneously, if you can make heads or tails of that, for what it is worth that makes sense to me, how bout really busy, light on drama.

I changed my FB pic to the one that someone had taken of me a few years ago on my porch, great pic, I jacked it off their my space page a while back, and now it is Facebookin for me.

I'm feeling a little off, as I am still cycling, and it throws my mood out of whack, I just try to stay away from people when I feel like this, so of course, they find me. I just want to lay down and sleep, not be at work being productive, talking to people. And you can't just tell everybody that this is what's going on...Anyone who reads this is one of the privileged, lucky to get the scoop, aren't ya?

Thankfully, I still have my Sandalwood to keep me sane.
I cleaned out my desk at work today, as I am getting a new position at work, and I will be in another part of the building, good things. The clean out was bittersweet, threw out over 18 months of papers that I had been hanging on to, not thrown out, recycled, as I have to do my part.

Purging papers and stuff like that is good for the soul, clear a spot in your desk and you in turn clear a spot in your head. It's like the house cleaning thing, the more space you free from clutter in your home...you are also removing that garbage from your head and your life, cos' clutter breeds chaos. Wow, I could really turn on to the clean freak thing, if I harnessed the energy I spend on the computer, my house would be spotless, computer time and tv time flushed away to create absolute order and purity of mind...sounds like a great idea, I should get to work on that.
I won't flush what I see though, as I still think this work has full blown potential to evolve into an amazing testament to my life as I restructure it, I will just vow to be a little more time frugal with the tv and the computer and not weed them out just yet, just ween myself off of them, like a bad habit, which they are, clearly.

My cat The Baby, or Floof is climbing the cupboards again, which she likes to do from time to time, she is usually pretty stealth, though not always. She likes to be high up, when I yell at her to get down she now listens, she didn't always, she is learning. Shash( my other cat) The Queen loves when I clean with bleach, I'm an oxy girl usually, so when I bleach, Shash buzzes like shes on catnip. Probably not the best thing for her, as this reserved, chill cat turns stupid when she smells it.

I think I'm going to call it a night, as I am tired and achey. Rest well all, God Bless, Amen, NAMASTE

Monday Monday 91409

2009-09-14T17:31:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

So after this craaazzzzyyyyyy day, I still will make the time to post, whatever it may be.
I just saw the words scroll across the bottom of my screen that Patrick Swayze, star of Ghost, Dirty Dancing, Point Break, Road House, and many other flicks, just passed, after losing his 2 year battle with Pancreatic Cancer. Rest In Peace Mr. Swayze. "This is my dance space, this is your dance space, I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine" AWWWW...It just goes to show you, any plan or intent he had in beating this was repeatedly squashed by the media, running stories last year that he was on his last legs, near death. That can't be good for altering your perspective when trying to take your attention away from the bad, and placing it on the good.

On another note, a lighter note, I believe it is time for another house refresh, as portions are slightly rough around the edges, floors need to be washed, laundry needs to be done, you know, all that fun stuff. I will attempt the zen approach through these tasks, which may happen tomorrow, so, hopefully I will be up for it. I am starting to find that if I get these tasks taken care of before the weekend, I have a much easier time relaxing during the weekend. And, isn't that the point.

I had a few experiences today which I won't lay out in detail that tested my latest preachings, and I think I got through them okay. Things that would have rattled my cage a handfull of years ago, today, and I was monthly challenged to boot. At the end of the day, I was sure glad that the day was done, I was whipped, I thought I would crash at 5:30 tonight, but, I hung in there, and I am still hanging, and that is good.

I get really nervous about ignorance, something I see too much of lately, at my job, in the world, it makes me worry about the future, like I wonder how this world will turn out if there is so much of this already. I know that it is not my job to worry about the future of mankind, and in a way it directly contradicts what I am trying to achieve through my writings and my thought processes, and I hope that I can get around these feelings, and I hope the best for the world and the future, and I guess that is as far as I can go with that. I guess I just brought it up because, in my life, it is, what I see.

On to a new train of thought, I will keep reminding myself what is good and right and focusing my energy and attention on only the best possible things, and not rob myself of the joy that is mine in this life. We all have to stop and remember what it is that matters the most to us, and put our energy on that. That is the best and the most that I can tell you today. Let us all keep on, keeping on.

Bless This Day, Thank You God, AMEN
NAMASTE

Sunday Night Again, Already 91309

2009-09-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

This whole weekend blew by, without any heavy moments of contemplation, nor any major moments of writing. I had John over and he used my computer alot for music purposes, and I only wrote one short paragraph in my notebook, so I'm not really sure if any major insight was lost. It was only today around 6 or so, that I really began to feel like the weekend had slipped away, AGAIN, and then I started to feel as though I had to make up for lost time. I went on the facebook drain page, and it really offered me nothing. I said the other day in my post, and I will say this again, that I am grappling more with my words when I go to that page, and it is only after excessive rethinking, that I come up with some babble to post atop my page to remind my friends that I am there. I wish I could reflect who I am more so through that page, and more so lately I realize that, fb is not the forum for that. What I see, is where I need to be.

John noted that he has been seeing positive changes in me as of late, as though I am relaxing and enjoying life more. I know that there was a moment earlier this week where I felt, Healthier, though I couldn't honestly say why, aside from the mental shift that I am currently undergoing. I can only say that your outlook does effect the way you experience your life, really, it's no joke.

I guess a big part of this is filtering out the garbage, clearly realizing that there will be people around you at all times that are crying the blues, it becomes about what you allow yourself to listen to. It is more like a mental diet, knowing the difference between what will deplete you, and what will provide healthy sustenance. It becomes about only focusing your energy and attention on the things that will bring you to a higher level, knowing who and what to shake off, Disregarding the toxic influences in your environment, and only focusing on the people and situations that bring you to a better place. All things that we experience are experienced to the degree that we give them our attention. If we don't pay attention to something, and we remove our attention from it, that situation or person ceases to hold the same kind of charge to our psyche.

You have to know from the word go, what you know to be right and wrong, differentiate the two inside yourself, and put all of the energy that you have on the good. The bad ceases in it's influential power when you no longer plug into it. You just have to wise up enough to stop plugging into it.

And, it is a daily, reminding process, sometimes it's hourly, depending on the situations you encounter. You need to keep reminding yourself of what is good for you, you have to keep telling yourself what is good, and remembering that, you remind yourself, that it is not necessary to let the bad stuff sway you. There is alot of good in this world, and this life, and within you, and you have to tune into that, and remind yourself that you alone, possess the tools necessary to make your life the success , the wish, the greatest dream, you ever stopped to dream. You must always remember that you have a key deep inside of yourself, and once you find that key and turn it, your life as you know it, will never be the same again, and that right there is a good thing, and that is where your attention needs to be, in the best possible state, at all times. And it is work, trust me.

You will feel a natural pull or rather, gravitation towards people who are good for you. When you see the ones that you deem bad, you just get away...fade to black. You know where you need to be. You can feel something within yourself, something that makes the difference between the good and the bad clear. The energy shifts, either an ease comes into place, or a tension takes over. When you feel the tension, you know that you have to get away. It is your internal guidance, you can feel it, if you pay attention. It is that gut feeling that people always speak of...
You know inside of yourself, what is right for you....

And you have to focus on that

It's not like you forget, it's a choice, where to place that powerful attention. You have to decide what you want in your life. If you want crap, and gossip, and drama, that is an easy decision, there is a gross imbalance, and that is prevalent. The crap doesn't go away...it probably gets thicker...you stop looking at it, and in your head, it is no longer there, because, there is an abundance of crap, the masses need toxicity and gossip to keep itself going. If you choose to not pay attention to that, you will start to see the world differently, and that new perception will change your experiences. We do have a choice in this life, we just get so bogged down by the crap, that it is easy to forget.

Stop forgetting, and start remembering, that you decide how you will react to this life, your life.

You are not a victim, you just think that you are.

As soon as we think ill of another, we open the door for another to do the same to us...Sucks, doesn't it?

The only resolution is to stop judging others ( Since, logistically, we do not have that right)- goin' biblical for a minute, judge not, lest not ye be judged. What makes us think that we are better then another? We can know that we are not better, yet at the same time, we an know if we are on different pages, and if we are, we can accept that, no drama, and move on. Get on with our own life, that is the show. Don't hurt others, don't speak ill, accept that we are all different, and that is what makes this world interesting, and get on with the cause.

In case you lost the way, the cause is you, your life, and making it the best that it can possibly
be.

This is your cause, YOU...Be happy and satisfied with you. Do your best, try, and believe...

You can change your life, and your world...why not start right this minute???

There is no other way.

Thursday, A Whopper Of A Week 91009

2009-09-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

So, I sat in front of my facebook page, leaving and going back tonight...Started about 5 different intro comments and just erased them all, and decided to come here instead.

I was bottlenecked, things in my head that I have to get out. I hate to asy that they are things have been bugging me, at the same time, I know that they are toxic thoughts, and I can't determine if I am supposed to purge them via this page, or work through them quietly within myself. It's a tough call, I know that if I don't get them out of my head, they will just continue to eat away at me. I have to think about this...quick shower, I will be back soon with some kind of clarity.

One of the best things that there is, the fresh after shower feeling, sleeping all fresh and clean is THE BEST!

So. while Im shampooing my hair< I remember that thoughts are things, and I have to purge them from my mind, not even on paper, I have to acknowledge them, and let them go, and not expend a drop of my energy focused on things that I do not like.

Why bother? I'm sure it was necessary to make me have to harness myself in, I know enough that this is the point, to practice what I preach. The only reason we lose our way is that WE JUST FORGET...Once life starts to flow, it's cool for awhile, but if we don't maintain, we lose our way. When you realize you lost the way, you struggle that much harder trying to get back there.

So, why make it hard when you are on the right track. I ask the lord to forgive me today, as I m sure I said a few dumb things without thinking, and I am sorry. I'm also sorry for the thoughts that I did not act on, that tormented me.

I think the answer is go into my day tomorrow with genuine kindness, love and compassion in my heart, with no feeling or though of anger or meanness in any way, to live in full consciousness , I have to think only good thoughts, and feel good feelings, please, please, please forgive me Lord, I will do better tomorrow, starting now.
I gather that this is the best I can do tight now, and that is okay. As It looks to me right now, that is okay, and, I am not gonna sweat it. If I get some brilliant epiphany before tomorrow, I will get back tonight, otherwise it will be tomorrow. I Love You God, Bless Us All, Thank you. Amen, NAMASTE

Tuesday Like A Monday 90809

2009-09-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

It is always a good start when I get things cranking and I see that already I'm having trouble typing. For what it's worth, I'm gonna start, get rolling, take a shower and come back to finish. This day was pretty productive. I got all the shipping tackled at work, BAM...I have the rest of this week,and then the nose will be touching the grindstone.

Right now, I prayed my brain off when I got on the road. I always get mad at myself, cos praying falls off on the weekends when I think that I should be more diligent. I don't know if it becomes all about the rest or what. My weekend usually never goes the way I plan, so maybe there is more going on here then first I saw.

From that alone, it would only make sense to remember to pray during the weekend too.

So, I see that asking for guidance helps, as it kept my mouth shut a few times today when likely, It could have gone in a whole different direction. So, I am glad that there is a god, to help me be a better person.

Moment to pause and reflect...

I'm back and I am fresh and clean, I think it took like 10 minutes, that is all.

So, I asked God if he would keep listening, I think he will.

There was a time, some years ago, if I read the word god, I wouldn't go beyond that, it was all that I would read. Somehow I got around that, and what I was reading at the time was a big help. There were no rigid definitions about God, the idea was beyond definition.

That is the idea of god that I work with. I know that there is something greater then us, and when we tune in to the power that this God, our god provides, it will change for everybody.If you work with god, god will work with you. And that's as far as I will go on any explanation. The one thing we need to remember that god is personal, and you should never have to explain what you believe and why that is so, nor do you have to make it your mission in life to convert everyone you meet. You can believe as you choose, as long as you don't go dragging others in to it.

Comparing beliefs why one is better, for whatever reason, totally misses the point of what god provides: A belief in something better, the desire for something more. The rest is up to us.

We have the will to change our lives, or leave them as they are. We can go forward, stand still, or go backward. We are given all the tools, and with those tools we create opportunities, experiences, changes and growth. Through those things we are molded as we grow. Those factors impact the duration, enthusiasm and quality of our lives. Anger breeds illness in the long run, is it worth being mad, deep inside where no one else can see it until it eats you alive, is that living?

Just a tap on the door of insight, if you will. more to come, very soon.

Goodnight, god bless, amen.
NAMASTE

Labor Day Monday 9709

2009-09-07T18:02:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

So, after this morning's writings, I stepped into the wide world of you tube. There, I practiced a variety of mediation and mantra techniques, along with some audio regarding the Law Of Attraction from Abraham Hicks. I also had the chance to speak with my mom early in the day, and I think that was good, as I see that we help to ground one another.

After all the mental work, I was tired and I took an hour nap, then I went to the tv. Having last night of long weekend remorse, I don't like it. I feel the need for some instant independent wealth, so that I may travel and blog to my hearts content with NO WORRIES. No day to day grind, cash to live on, creative flow that is unsurpassed. I guess right now I am stating an intention. AM I doing it right? I think I am putting out there what I really want, a great way to earn a healthy income doing what I LOVE!!!

I have to fold this day, and figure out how to get in spirit of tomorrow approaching. I know that I have another intention, to create a writing space where I can sit comfortably. I think alot more will flow from me, where I can write in comfort, I should start creating in my head, I was thinking about it earlier, so I think that I already created it, so I'm ready for it, the time is upon me, whatever the things I need to create, I am setting up the space in my head for that wish to come to fruition. This is really a great case study, let's see what happens

The Law of Attraction is in my ear again, about breaking the habits that hold us back, releasing these things take time, don't beat yourself up, take the negativity away from the equation, remove your attention, put it elsewhere, so not focus on the problem, focus on the solution.

Our here and now is the direct result of the thoughts, we have thought before.

Positive experience are bred by positive thoughts, we need to focus our energy and attention on the best possible thoughts, we are here to achieve the best life to create through this physical experience with the divine guidance that we are being given from emotion, communication.

We have access to broader knowledge in this life, and we have to open the door and let that in. It requires a total shift, from the way we think, to a newer, broader thought process.

I think the day was all that it needed to be, designed to begin the reminding process, that I didn't feel as through I had lost anything, that maybe I had stepped into a place that will begin to breed new thought processes. I had to begin again to remember, and I can't think of a better time to have started this other then today, it is the perfect time to begin thinking in a new way. It's time to tell the new story, and to stop beating the drum., Stop worrying about what every one else is doing, what they are thinking, I have to remember that the only persons energy that will help me at this juncture, is me. This is my time, and I can't keep looking to the world to help me change, I have to begin this inside of myself.

I have started to turn from the things that have helped me pass the time, and I have started to look at the things that will help strengthen end evolve my mind, thus beginning to make this life, all that I intend it to be. I will trust the path that is being laid about in front of me, and I promise that I will pay attention, because in what I experience, lie the answers to everything, and I will no longer need to seek resolution from any other place beyond the one that lives inside of me. I will trust my internal guidance, I will rest assured, walking in faith, that I am who I am and where I am because that is exactly where I need to be. The here and now, the new and improved here and now, this is the only place to be, I fully intend to make where I am in this moment the absolute, best, only place to be. I am open to all the guidance that is there, ready to be spoken within me. I am ready now. I seek all that I am ....

Oh, No It's Monday 9709 The Mental Beach...

2009-09-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Mind over matter...quit digging in the garden of mayhem.
That was a direct comment from my mom, I liked it so much that I had to write it down. I didn't get to the beach yesterday, due to circumstances beyond my control, I must say, I was not happy about that, and it pretty much blew the rest of the night, or rather, changed it. I know this much, in this case, based on the situation, as much as I would like to sit here, and piss and moan about yesterday for a few paragraphs, I know, that short of venting, and getting it out of my system, that talking about it right now, will not help my cause. So, I shall attempt to take a different course of action, and choose the alternative course of action, and let all that was...yesterday, go, as I choose to not let that have any relevance in my day today.

Dig that pic, have mentally been stepping inside of that photo, trying to create a visceral, memorable experience in my head, something that will carry me through when the seasons change. Feel the warm breeze against your face, smelling the air, listening to the waves brush against the shore, the gentle crunch of sand beneath my feet...squeezing the powder between my toes, sitting in the cool, wet sand near the water, dragging my fingers through the wet sand, building up under my nail, the wet grainy texture as I drag my fingers through/ Digging holes in the sand, swirling my hands about, soaking in the feeling, the absolute joy of this, as it is something that I have always loved...ahhhh, the magic of this moment, impressing itself upon my mind, so that in time, I will look back and remember that it is almost the same as being here!

So, I had to wander away for a minute, all that talk about the sand, I need to plug in to the waves while I am sitting here...Hold on.

Went with a little Celtic, nature tranquility, something different, flutes, sitar, birds..

I feel like I need to redirect all of my energy towards positive things, get on board and make good things happen. Let my life become the blessing it is meant to be, and stop looking backward. I would like to get in touch with the source of my anxiety and remove it from my life, that thing that keeps me on the edge of my seat, that makes me doubt my abilities, and wonder if I am capable of making the right choices, can I overcome myself, the part of me that holds me back, and rise against the ingrained nature that I have to deal with, that is me, and become truly better and more relaxed then I am? True relaxation is something that I have to cultivate, to stop holding my breath, and be at peace in the moment.

To stop worrying all the time, I always wonder how things in my life are going to turn out.I need to remember what it is that makes me tick, makes me laugh and brings me peace. I need a profound redirection, so that I may truly embrace my life, and not just talk about it. I hope that by putting these things out there, that I am making changes that will come to fruition. Like, I need more structure in my writing, I have so many thoughts, and as I go, I get on the computer and I just latch onto that key thought, and I build from there. I don't really know where the writing is going to go, I know it is a journey, and that is the experience, the journey is necessary.

I am starting to hesitate on the things that I would want to vent out. Like, I already know that we create the energy, and our thoughts are products of that, and that I could rage here about the things that make me unhappy, and thinking about that makes me realize that raging against the things I do not want just pumps more of that, which I do not want, into the atmosphere...so, why, would I want to do something stupid like that. With all I know, I can see that the best use of my energy in the here and now, is focused exclusively in the type of things that I WANT In my life, those, are the things that bring me joy, and that is the place I should put my attention. Now, I just need the structure, and have to figure out how to get the energy that is needed for that degree of mental shift.

I think, That I will have to start again, by reading things that bring me to a different level . I will have to drag the Neville Books out of storage again, that I need the mental refresher. There will be nothing short of brain retrain, that's the only way to get back on course, more hypnosis/ meditation work, they all have to work in conjunction with one another. I will have to do a total turn on where I allow my attention to go, nothing short of a major change. I guess the big question I have to ask myself is....Am I ready again, to take another trip on this path, do I have enough FAITH? I shall see, but, I believe I do, and maybe this is where the journey will start to get more interesting, as I have been here before, and I know that doing it again will clearly add the much needed dimension, the flavor back to the writing...

Sunday 1:00 PM

2009-09-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

So, I did the things I needed to do, have yet to shower though, rug is better, floors are swept, dishes washed, and John is still unconscious.

I tapped into Face Book to see what was going on. Had a couple questionable pillow fights requests, ewwww...From women in my office. Please, ladies, we don't have to send all the requests, some are just wrong. I also will say, no thanks on the Farkle, I believe computer time should have an element of good use involved, and I don't think brain draining to these games is a good way to pass the time...That's just me though. I would rather listen to meditative stuff, watch the waves, write in the blog, be clever and thought provoking in my FB postings, and try not to aggravate anybody. It's bad enough, I have two unkempt farm properties that I never cultivate, and like 85 requests to work on the farm. It's too much. I wish the other people would start getting a little more clever, not all of them though, some are pretty sharp, and they keep you entertained. Me, I only comment when it moves me, not cos' I think I have to.

I'm glad that I could check in again, I see a shower in my near future, then getting out of the house. I will get back to you later and share the events of the day...It should be a good one...Love ya, Be Safe, Have Fun, Be Well!

Sunday Morning 10 AM 9609

2009-09-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Good Morning World. I did it again, even though I said that I wasn't going to...I slept on the couch...
Then, around 7, I moved to the slightly more comfortable couch. Mere steps from my actual bed, and I did not make it.

John crashed here, we stayed up late, drinking fruit beer, and smoking too many cigarettes...I have got to stop, all this chill time I've had, been smoking way too much. We busted the house a little, so I have some am recon this morning...I'm just trying to wait a little, cos' I make way too much noise when I clean, it is not a quiet task.

This holiday weekend is blowing by, they always do. When they start, it's like an endless row of days that are laid out in front of you, and then, they just go. Like all days in life we must enjoy them while they are here, as that is all that we can do.

So, I feel a little jumpy, there are a few things that I want to do today, to really embrace the day, and I truly hope that I do not waste it. God Bless this day, let's make it awesome!

Right now, what I am doing is what I need to be doing, it would hang over my head all day if I didn't make the time, so I am really glad that I have.

It is a nice, still morning in the neighborhood, I'm sure that there are rows of people still sleeping, as they may have over indulged last night, I'm just guessing...

I saw pictures of the Dalai Lama in Taiwan this morning, gotta love the world wide access, he looks tranquil, I wonder how much incense he burns, and does he get the Dalai bulk rate discount, he probably has his own special blend, grows it, and has his own people to roll it...I wonder. Try the new and improved, slow burning, super potent, serene Dalai Blend, the only way to burn....I'd buy it, I mean could it get any more tranquil then that?

I think the first thing I will do when I clean is the rug, and the coffee table, I'll start with the quieter tasks and build my momentum from there. I think cleaning will help me focus the mind, and maybe accrue some wisdom through the process that will carry me throughout the day. I say the zen approach to the day is the best way, cleaning the rug as I clean the mind seems the only reasonable alternative. Ommm my way through it, I believe that is the only way to go, BE THE TASK.

After I do the things that I need to be, I will be mentally refreshed with a new clarity, and I will come back and write again today from that state of mind. Until then, peace, love, zen!!!

Saturday September 5, 2009 11:31 AM

2009-09-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Listening to the monks chant with church bells ringing in the background...very soothing.

Went to my sister's house for a bday gathering last night, she wanted low key, and she got it. Beer and Ice cream cake, a mix that will punish later, FYI. Had fun though, we all got silly as the evening went on, and we laughed some, so that was good. Left her the traditional Happy Birthday song this am on her machine...Love her!

Came home, drank 2 sips of a fruity beer last night, hit the internet, talked to John and pretty much passed out. Woke this morning with weak coffee, the taste of too many cigs in my throat, and started drinking the full beer still sitting on my coffee table.

Good start, hey it is Saturday, the secadas are chirping, the monks are chanting, and it is a holiday weekend so I will happily indulge a little, I will not go overboard though, no worries.
Just a little exercise in moderate self indulgence.

Will strive today to find the beauty in this life, to release any misgivings, fears or doubts that chain me in place, and do what I can to live my best life.

My kitties are practicing tranquility each sleeping peacefully on separate couches, I'm glad they can, I think I clocked my second very uncomfortable night's sleep on the one couch, comfy for them, not so much for me. Tonight I will do my best to drag myself into the bed, where I belong, as it is infinitely more comfortable and that is where I need to rest my head.

Burning my sandalwood like it is going out of style, I just can't get enough...

Have I had any great insights lately?

I'm starting to wonder, I believe without a doubt that we are all the masters of our fate, which I have believed for some time, I occasionaly forget, though I always remember again, and the remembering that we are in charge of our experiences is what it is all about. I know this much, I can be consumed by thoughts, they can either be thoughts that are bad for me, that will keep me stuck, with no forward motion or progress-OR-

I can think thoughts that uplift me, bring me to a place of peace, awareness and higher understanding, that build opportunities and self love and remind me that all is good and possible, and that I have to take care of myself, do what I can to be the best possible me that I can be. Always the witness, watching my words and actions, and checking myself when I get out of line.

It is almost too obvious, the course that must be chosen. I know that I am standing upon the threshold of some great changes and opportunities, that I have opened the door that was previously unseen, and that with each new door that opens, I come closer to making my life the one, that I so want it to be. It all starts with the INTENTION.

We must choose our intentions with great care, and focus the energy and attention on the things we desire, and not the things we do not desire.

We must remember the law of attraction, that it is in full effect at all times. That we are beings comprised of energy and we are pumping that energy into the atmosphere at all times. If we are feeling bad, negative, nasty, off balance, we are pumping that into our proximity attracting more of the same. You have to align your energy with your thoughts. Misaligned energy mixed with half hearted attempts at positive thinking will still bring negative results because, your energy and your thoughts have to be the same. Good thoughts and good energy breed good experiences.
Good thoughts and bad energy breed bad experiences. And I do not believe that you could have good energy and bad thoughts together, as your atmosphere would not allow it.

I am a walking testimony to this. I know when I feel bad, I can feel my atmosphere is bad...
When I come out with good energy, I get good positive feedback, those are the days I laugh more, talk more, and more people engage me with smiles and conversation. It all works together.

It becomes necessary to do what you can to align yourself on a daily basis. There are things that can be done to cultivate inner peace, the more peace you create within yourself, the more likely you are to change your energy.

I find peace in the incense I love, a clean, healthy environment helps, as it cuts the things that will distract, feeling that the necessary tasks are done. I have a hard time feeling peace when I know that there is something I should be doing. If I have to wash dishes, do laundry, pay bills, clean, whatever I think I need to do, those things will pull my energy and attention and halt any potential for peace, so do what you think you need to do first get those NECESSARY Tasks off your plate.

It begins to change the way you see the world, it also alters how you relate, and who you relate to...

You learn to appreciate your time alone, the growth that it provides.

You start to see your interactions with others differently. You start to separate yourself from toxic behavior and people. You will see that as you remove yourself, these things that you are separating from start banging on your door, HARD, trying to pull you back in.

I wish someone would have told me that years ago, when I started this journey.

It goes like this, You don't like gossip, you want no part of it, no interest. People will get in your face and tell you things that you have no desire nor interest in hearing-If you ever read
BE HERE NOW, those are the fierce lions guarding the gate. You want to be better, change your life, your mindset, you better know that you will be tested and challenged at every step. That's the way it goes.

Do Not Succumb! With every thing you hear that you don't want to hear, with every test that you walk away from, without feeling that you had to have a say, you will grow stronger and more aware, it will take time.

Poisonous people fell out of my life, as I knew, we were no longer on the same wavelength. It's hard at first to wave goodbye to superficial attachments that kept you on the wheel, in the game, they go because, they have to. New people will come, as if out of thin air, people that identify with the new path you have chosen...so, it becomes about breaking attachment, and forming new bonds.

People you don't know, start to look familiar, as if you have seen or met them before.
This, is a strange thing. I remember when it first started happening to me, it was like I recognized people, but couldn't quite tell you why. It was as though strangers were familiar. Like, you knew whom you were somehow connected to on sight. Long, heartfelt conversations would start with people I had just met, why, because they felt as though they could tell me. It is an opening of spirit that cannot fully be comprehended until you are living it.

Later In The Day, Still Friday 9409 5:45 PM

2009-09-04T14:44:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS...

So, Here I am again, after doing the day, I have returned to blog once more.
I will soon need to ready myself for the departure to my sisters' house for her birthday gathering. I believe she is 34, officially tomorrow that is.

I have seen utter chaos on the roads again today, it's like Holiday=morons=driving stupidity, rampant. I spent the early afternoon brain draining on the computer with the tv simultaneously. Double the mental rot..For some insane reason I decided to look up an old- first love boyfriend, the one that got away, don't worry I helped push him away. And it looks like he has a beautiful life, full of everyone that is not me. Married and I think he has a baby, no worries, I will not try to befriend him, as I see quite clearly that the ship sailed long ago. It looks as though he got the kind of life he sought, the kind I never wanted, and I know that even though I am 36, somewhat single, I still would not want that life. Hey, I'll take whatever comfort I can give myself on this one, as I remember saying to myself when we ended, that I was resolved and would never regret that. For what it is worth, there has been a great degree of insight in my life over the last 10 years easily. I have learned many lessons, changed my tune, and though I am not all the way where I want to be yet, I know that I am nowhere near the same type of person that I was then. I do believe in change, and growth, I believe I am a living, breathing example of that, and I also know in my heart that all things are possible. I punish myself for any bad thoughts, and would not so easily slip into wrongdoings and disarray, I carry a moral compass with me now, and I abide by that at all times. I say that I can only get better, as I have to this point, and that I will continue to do so, as there is no other way...

Friday 9409 About 8:45 A.M. ish

2009-09-04T05:46:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

So here I am, day off, end of summer a Friday that stretches ahead of me, with a strange yet dedicated compulsion to tap in and check my work e-mails and see if anything big is happening there...the answer is NO, and I am glad. Let's avert any potential crises this weekend and just keep it together, so that I may be a slacker in peace. I have also realized that is is PAYDAY!!!
Yeah...Got bills to pay, car to gas up, people and cat food to buy, otherwise no major expenditures on my current agenda.

Had another butting of heads session with my pseudo boyfriend type guy friend. I don't know, some days I see that I am so over it.
In the world Michael Jackson finally got laid to rest yesterday...Two months+after the fact. Maybe the media circus will die down, and there will begin to be other stories on the news again.

I was out of work early yesterday, went somewhere I never seem to go anymore- the mall to buy my sister's birthday presents, and I see no less then 3 people texting and driving, and I just wanted to place them all on citizens arrest. And, this was like Amherst, or the border of Amherst where they just posted a major driving and text ban...Of course, I didn't see a police officer around at all. The traffic was crazy, holiday weekend and back to school shopping. There were some really good sales though, not that I allowed myself to buy anything for me.

Right now, I have all good things around me: the sound of waves coming through my headset, the rich aroma of sandalwood supreme wafting through the air, my beautiful kitties, one on either side of me, and no real stress of things to do today. A day wide open, laid out in front of me, ready to be molded to my liking.

It seems that I smiled and laughed more this week then I have in some time, and that is a really good thing. I know that I am someone who has so much potential and desire to make my life a better place. I know that I do not intend for a second to look back on this weekend with an ounce of regret, and that I will do what I can to embrace the opportunities to enjoy myself when they arise, and have faith that all is right and good in my life.

Listen to The Waves, And Soothe Yourself

2009-09-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

I came home today after a hectic yet productive day at work, ready for some relaxation. Was greeted by the sounds of band practice at the neighbor's house, ALL EVENING LONG>>>

I must say that the music portion of the group is good, they have a sharp sound, the singer though, she is killing me, I just don't get it. She practices over and over again, and I have yet to hear any improvement, so I'm a neighbor and a critic. I'm glad that I do not live in that house, I would really be bananas! I guess I'm just jealous, maybe I should be singing in a band, something worth trying anyway. Hey, you never know, maybe some day.

I decided to bring the laptop to bed tonight, so of course the kitties have staked me out in here. Staring at the keys. Shashu is trying to get her paws up on the keys, so unlike her I must say, so right now, I am typing with my right hand and petting her with the left. She is a sweetheart, I must say...

So, I finally got started on the cabinets and the top of the fridge. It's not all the way there yet, though I did make a lot of progress, and that takes a load off of my mind, because those cabinets have been driving me crazy for some time now, so I feel somewhat better. I could not believe all the junk I had buried under there, all this stuff that I was just holding on to.

This music I am listening to is amazing, it reminds me of the bookstore I used to frequent, Inspiration Point. I should really get back there again, just to see Sandy and Say Hello, maybe pick up a new copy of Be Here Now, as the one I had fell apart. I am still finding pages from that book here and there.

I am in the market for a hefty dose of inspiration right now, maybe more then ever. I'm teetering between making major life changes, all good, or becoming lazy. I'm kind of tired of being lazy, it is overrated, and it dominates the culture.
Television and texting, radio and the internet make it really easy to be a slug. Nothing good can ever really come of just laying about watching other people make something of their lives, while you just flip channels listlessly, absorbed by the boredom.
It's funny, we waste our lives while we watch other people living theirs, and television is banking on just that.
They love that we are lazy, fat, bored, and listless. They are living the high life, while we sell any chance of a life out to the television. Funny, huh? Not so much.

It's good to just take the time, to get the thoughts out and try to relax. I was in danger of mindlessly flipping about the tv tonight, but, I YANKED myself away, good job.

I need some harmony, and some guidance with a heaping spoonful of FAITH.
I think I am ready for a good night's rest with my adorable kitty cats, good dreams, thanks to god, and blessings for all. I pray for the guidance I so desperately need, and I will continue to try to be the best me I can be, and I know, that it isn't always easy, and still I believe that I am capable of doing better. Good night and God Bless Us all.
Amen, Sleep tight.
Love YA.

Just a pic of me, from awhile back...

2009-08-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life.
FAITH KNOWS!

Friday 82809 10:13 a.m.

2009-08-28T07:12:00.001-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Woke up this morning after passing out on the uncomfortable couch last night, somehow stayed there all night. I awake from that post and wonder how I made it through the night. Somehow, on top of that, I managed to sleep through the whole night, waking at around 9 a.m. ish. Made some coffee, which somehow, brewed all over the counter top, turned out the pot wasn't all the way on the burner, so I cleaned that up, and noticed that the coffee leak shorted the coffee maker clock out, so that the numbers just kept rolling. So, another clock in my house has bitten the dust. That would be three in the last couple weeks. Go figure that after that, the coffee tasted pretty good, the last few pots have been too strong, this one turned out just right.
The weather feels cooler today, slept last night without a fan. You can feel Fall trying to creep into the air.
It is rather disheartening, I like Fall and all that, just, why does summer always seem to want to go so fast?

I have big plans today, I know that I am going to the laundromat, trying to do some power washing, sheets, towels, some clothes that have been buried in my closet for a while, it is time to begin getting these things done.
I have the tv going, and I realize that I am not missing much of anything. Had some weird dreams last night, which I will directly attribute to the 3 Beers I had before bed, the ones that knocked me out. Feeling pretty blue today, maybe not as bad as yesterday, I don't even know why I am letting this stuff bother me anymore, It has taken up years of my life, and it is just tiring. What am I talking about, you may wonder. All I can say is that this pertains directly to an interpersonal relationship that I have been dragging through for the last 7 years. Up and down, in and out, long weary...The love is gone, or has it just changed. I don't know. He stiffed me yesterday, just blew me off, never heard from him, and I can't clarify the way that I feel about that. It has happened before, not much lately, but, it has happened. It used to drive me nuts, I would wonder where he was, who he was with, what he was doing, and it would wreck me.
Again last night, I started to feel these things, not as intensely, but, they still got under my skin.
And when it happened I find myself wondering...why? I don't have the same kind of attraction to him anymore. The years of him treating me like crap added up and took their toll, to the point where I didn't really feel an intimate pull towards him, except for occasionally.

He has stated his love and apologies repeatedly, and I know that I should forgive, and I am trying...It's like he took the best part of me, and I still do not feel whole, and it is a real hindrance. Not to mention that there were once a few good friends in my life, and through the drama of this relationship they fell away, so when he is absent, I have no other outlets.
I have reconnected with a few familiar faces through Face book, however,I am not physically hanging out with any of these people yet. So, it seems that when I plan on seeing him, and then I don't, I feel off, a bit lost, and I'm not sure why, because what would we do together that is so spectacular?
I guess that I have just gotten used to having him around, knowing that he is in my life, some days he really is like my best friend, other days he has a very short attention span, and I can't carry on a decent conversation with him to save my life. I don't know, I wish I did, I wish I had some clarity. This is something that likely, should have ended years ago, and I am trying to come to terms with the idea of releasing him from my life entirely. Maybe, I am afraid that If I let him go, he will find someone else and be the great boyfriend that he could not be to me, that he has been trying to be to me, and I have not been receptive. I know it's wrong, why can't I just let go? Why does this still matter to me, even though maybe it does not matter in the same way?

Am I scared to start over, to make new friends, find a new love and make my life better? Is it really that daunting? What happened to me?
I love him, and I hate him, I miss him, and I wish he were here... I just don't know, and that is what I have to figure out, that is what I have to come to terms with in the here and now. Love him or leave him, no more victim.

God, And All That He Is...82609

2009-08-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

Are we not supposed to live in the moment?

Me, I seem to hold my breath all the time.
Here I am doing it now.
How do I alleviate this anxiety, this degree of tension, how do I release it from my body, is it as easy to let go as we are led to believe...How do I give up my burden? I have been carrying it for so long, I hate it, and resent it, How can I release it?
I know that I should forgive, how to do it, I try, and I can still feel the anger, He is still in my life, and I hate him for all the rotten stuff that he did to me, and I let him...It's been so hard to let that go, Why?

Tuesday Night

2009-08-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Hello Again. The computer and the tv have both contributed to my brain drain over the last day or two, and I have not written. Well, to make up for it:

So, a little on what is happening in the world. They have released the caused of MJ's death, a homicide...How much money are the Jackson's paying to make that the story? The #1 conspiracy theory I have heard on this is the concert promoters. They got paid because he died the way that he did, and I wouldn't doubt if they were in on it.

Enough junk, it rots the brain and makes us weak, indecent people.

I am working another short week, Yeah Friday off! As well as next week: Long weekend, the unofficial end of the summer waaaahhhhhhhh!

Let's not think about what happens in glorious Buffalo, NY when the summer passes...

I'm one cigarette away from a shower, and Bed, so I Intend to keep it brief.

The other day I woke up thinking about that movie with Rosanna Arquette and Vincent Spano. Wow, Spano was hot, it's been years since I've seen that movie, and now, I just really want to see it again. Of course, Hulu doesn't have it, nobody does.

My phone is ringing right now, and I am just gonna let it go, VM will pick up, yeah, after 7 rings, have to figure out if their is a way to change that. People don't usually wait that long anymore, 4-5 rings, they give up. When I was a kid, you had to wait at least 8 rings, no machines, VM had not yet been invented, people were usually running across the house to get to the phone...remember rotary dialing. Ahhh the good old days, when life was simple, and drab, not all this info. at our fingertips.

I went to bed by 10:00 last night for the first time in weeks, probably over a month, I really needed the sleep.

Now, I'm sitting here drinking my fruity Michelob that won't be available after Labor day, cos' it's a summer beer, and I know that I won't last long tonight, and I believe that is a good thing.

New insights, trying to be better, and realizing how fake people can be, actually like smelling it.

Too much fallacy all over the place, and it makes me really want to be the best person I can be, with god's help, so it shall be.

Well my cigarette is up, and so am I , I'll catch you on another night when I have some ground breaking insight to share. Peace, Love and AMEN!

Sunday Night, Again. 9:45 P.M.

2009-08-23T18:45:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

I could not just retreat to my awesome Buddhist Chant Relaxation vid without dropping a few words here. It's been an extra long weekend, all that I really know, is that I would love to be rich, and just be able to do whatever I wanted all the time. I would be sprawled across a gorgeous beach in Maui or Hawaii right now, writing this, ahhh to truly live the dream. At this moment I am trying to decide whether or or not to cook some Ramen noodles before I retreat to go to bed. I always am troubled by Sunday's, you know that they are the end of the weekend and they seem to blur by so fast. God, to never have to Suffer that Sunday night feeling again, to have everyday be as ripe and full of possibility as a gorgeous, fresh coffee, and fresh cut lawn fragrance wafting through the air. Saturday is the best day, second only to Friday night. The beginning of fun. My thing is that I have to learn to embrace the Sundays and The Mondays of my life, where they are all of equal value. Where they all feel so good.

I think that my weekend was fuller then I have given it credit for, at the same time, one that provided little sense of accomplishment, and I think that is always the rub.

I saw John for awhile, and he was really wiped from his night out with his sister, and rapidly deteriorated before my eyes, so before 8:30, he was outta here...

I really hope to accomplish something here, when and if I clearly determine what that is. In the meantime, I choose to go to sleep, Thank God, and seek a glorious rest that will spring me energetically into a glorious day tomorrow, and I'm sure that the day will bring insight and awareness of some sort, that I will carry here, to this forum, to this table, so that I may at last, somehow know, my purpose. Goodnight, sleep tight...

Sunday Morning, After The Sleep 11:32 A.M.

2009-08-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Good day, woke to cats giving me feed me eyes, so, I had to oblige. Made a few messy abstracts on my paint program, amateur hour for sure, and just to prove how I feel, I stuck them in an album on FB...and there they are, for all the people I know to see.

Found this amazing Buddhist chant/ meditation video on you tube last night, which lulled me into a peaceful sleep. Ahhh, the colors, the sounds.

Picked up my Gandhi book that my sister gifted me with at Christmas, and there were a few points he made that I feel it necessary to include in this writing.

They are: An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Fair means alone can produce fair results

A Man is but a product of his thoughts, what he thinks he becomes.

I believe Gandhi was Hindu, however, I will have to read more to clarify, and the thoughts statement is Buddhist. I think Hindu has some roots In Buddhism, however I am still
learning, so don't quote me on that.

I had a GOD Related thought last night, tying into this bible quote, can't reference it, however, you know it when you see it: I am the Lord Thy God, thou shalt have no other gods before me.
This is taken so literally every day, and if you really see the meaning, it is this.
There is a Divine Power that guides us all, we all to some degree seek awareness, some kind of faith system that keeps us on the right track, that helps us stay good. GOD Is the drive behind the variety of beliefs, God is in Buddhism, and Hinduism and all different belief systems, just with a different face, god is the force, the energy, so, he is everywhere, in what you choose to believe. However, the other god's are the gods that man worships...And what is the biggest god that man worships you may wonder...

$$$$$Money. The biggest false god that there is...$$$$$
The great material things that you amass in this life, all acquired through $, cannot travel into the kingdom of God as they say, however, we believe that the more we have, the better we are.

Can you buy Faith?

If you could, would we not all own it?

The truth is that for every person on the planet, there is a different belief system at work. Is it our duty to judge and/ or to convert?

Just something to pause and think about.

Saturday Night Update 1:15 A.M.

2009-08-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!
So, If you want to get technical, it is now Sunday morning, however, I won't call it Sunday until I wake from My Saturday night sleep.

Just an update, I did wash my floors, painted a few abstract paintings on my laptop, futzed with FB a little, not much though. And pretty much burned a few hours cruising the web.

All in all, a very unproductive day.
I'm losing my will to type and think any major thoughts of anything right now, other then to say...

Sleep well, don't sweat life, take it all in stride, and remember you win by faith what you would never win by force. That reminds us not to push anything into happening, just to set back, and trust whatever guidance you are being given is accurate, and to not push against d=situations trying to make them what you want them to be, and trust that they are, at this moment, what they need to be. That is, unless you are a couch potato, then that should not be taken literally, I say to the taters, get up and do SOMETHING!!!

Saturday Night

2009-08-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Well, I have my page up and running once more. No evening plans, just very indecisive. The best part of the day was spending some time with my brother, playing with the computer, he went to the res with me and then we stopped at old man rivers, where we each had an overpriced blue, and split sweet potato fries which we actually dipped in an awesome hot sauce. The day was a lot more comfortable then it has been in the last couple weeks. The heat has been oppressive, and everyone seemed on the brink of strangling one another...aaahhhh summer, gotta love it, the best and the worst of times.

I have currently filled a bucket with Pine sol, ready to clean the floors, just a little freshening up. I really kind of just puttered through the day, and now I'm starting to think of all the things that I will HAVE To do, come some time tomorrow, like that stuff called laundry, always a Sunday bummer. I'm a little emotional right now, and I cannot say why, on the grounds that I may incriminate myself, other then to say, it's something that happens every month...need I say more. So, I'm kinda up and down. Should I clean, should I buy beer, should I make something to eat? All of these are very difficult questions right now, and I guess the only answer is to do what I am doing, and figure out the rest after I complete this - Right now.

On a plus side, I am burning some Surya Sandalwood Supreme, my all time fave incense to date, burning a nice candle, and trying to figure if I have a full blown headache coming on, or if it just my brain trying to get my attention.

I was watching a little you tube today just for a change, cos' I was talking to a friend of mine about how long it took to spray and tease my hair back in 90-92 era. Because, I was thinking that when I got a camera I would attempt to reenact, but would I even remember? So anyway, I look on you tube to see, and of course, it's been done. The only thing I noticed that I wanted to mention was that the girls started with teased hair and just teased it more, and they all seemed to have long bottom extensions that remained untouched throughout the segment. They all did it in about 3-5 minutes, and I must say it wasn't all that riveting.

I was thinking the way to do this is: You have to start with wet hair, and start building your product base, then it's gotta dry, and then rollers, and spray and tease and spray and probably mess it up somewhere and have to wet it and then dry that part again, and spray and tease more. This would be like a 3 hour mini epic, building the hair. I kid you not, I cancelled a couple dates with my boyfriend at the time because my hair wouldn't go right. Not to mention that was when my brothers used to call me Tama Janowitz ( author of NY Stories) and when my one brother was being douchey he used to say I looked like David Johannsen ( NY Dolls, aka Buster Poindexter) Good Times...

I'm actually a little frustrated over the way this indecisiveness is just hanging over me. Like, I am not cut out for much of anything tonight, and it is rather disappointing, as I feel as though I should be putting the night to good use, and am just missing the drive that could make it happen.
I have cupboards to clean out, laundry to sort, and I'm sure there are other things I could do, so what I need to figure out, is what next???

What I See Day 1, April 22,2009

2009-08-22T18:02:00.001-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

This is my first time doing this. I have just created this blog, right here and now, so, be patient with me as it all begins to take shape. What I see, is just that, a series of observations- work, life, the world at large. It should all start to gel after a while I'm guessing. My big thing right now is that I am trying to teach myself acrylic painting- on canvas, of course, I can't properly mix the colors to save my life, so everything I'm painting eventually turns to a muddy green/ brown. I really would like some teal, bold yellows, gold shimmers, and I'm mixing mud. I'm hoping to work through that. Otherwise, at present, I am at work, and should really focus on that for the time being. Will touch base again later.

August 9, 2009 Sunday

2009-08-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

So, even though we do not speak anymore, Happy Birthday, as I will always remember your Birthday since it is 2 weeks from the day of mine...so, we are the same age still, even if your my space says differently.

Anyway, I have not written since June, my mom's birthday, and now mine has come and gone. My brother from New York is back in town, and we are getting along really well, when we catch up.

I have been doing the bulk of my writing in a different program, and I am just smashing as much of everything that I can get on there, when the mood arrives, I write- not quite so diligent on my blog, i promise though, that I intend to do better. And, that is the beginning of everything, it all starts with INTENTION.

I have been cruising the wonderful world of the internet, and trying very hard to stay away from the brain drain stuff that can be all consuming- you know, the stuff that is like what they show you on the television around the clock. I have been seeking meditation music,hypnosis, Jerry and Esther, I just looked up Ram Dass the other night, because we must all remember that it is necessary to BE HERE NOW, and he is hosting a retreat on the beautiful island of Maui in December, wish I could go on a beach retreat in Maui, a little too rich for my blood, right now, I could however intend to do A beach retreat in Maui next year, and if I really wanted it, and intended it with all my being, so, IT WOULD BE. The power of intention is pretty amazing stuff, I must say.

So here in the sunshine capital of the world ( hahahahaha) Good ole' Buffalo, NY, It is STICKY And the rain is coming down- just for a change , this rain is different though...It's a sunday afternoon, and there is something so soothing about it, like, I am housebound right now, sweepin' my floors, fillin my bucket with Pine Sol delighting in the smell of clean, and between answering the phone, when it rings, and jotting my wisdom down on this page intermittently,,,hoping some quarters miraculously come my way so that I might actually wash a load of clothes today, just like I said I would. I know that with all these things, at the moment, all is right in my world, and I like that, and I think, that this is a really good thing.

It's Been Awhile...Thursday June 4, 2009

2009-06-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

I really like this bed set, I think I will order it for myself some time during the summer.

Anyway...I haven't written in a little while, and felt as though I should. Spiral notebook, on line blog, some days, it is all the same.

So, after having a treacherous upper wisdom tooth removed a few weeks ago, I have the thrilling privelage of going to the dentist again today for a thorough check up. I can't wait!

Yeah, I am kidding. Hopefully, it goes fast, right after work, conveniently located on my route home.

Anyway, I have been virtually obsessed with the Jon and Kate drama over the last few months. I've been watching the shows for the last few years on and off. It's sad, she always kind of jabbed at him, it used to be more playful, he took it in stride. Now when you watch, they barely speak, if they are even in the same room or place together. You would think that if you crank out 8 kids with someone, you make it work. I don't know, we all deal differently. Watching the new shows is like watching a train wreck, you just can't seem to look away, though you know, you should, and it's drama, and you should focus your attention and energy on your own life. Hey, I won't speculate on this any more. I shouldn't have even said this much. I wish the best for them and all the kids, god bless them.

Yesterday was my Moms birthday, and we all got together for a few hours in the evening. She is so wonderful, I think she really liked all the presents we got for her, as we were all about the garden theme. See, if you knew my mom, you would know this, she is a saver, if we had gone any other way, the stuff would never have seen the light of day- so this way, we kind of force her to use the stuff, and get some fun out of it. Life is too short, and Mom is wonderful, and deserves all the good in life, God Bless Her I tell ya. If I become one tenth the woman she is, I will be a stellar woman, so just imagine.

The pain is fading, never gone, just easing a little every day. Mom has 2 different kitties now, both so cute and sweet, she had to get on with it. They are developing dazzling personalities, and they become more enjoyable with every visit.

Well, gotta go, have to get back to the grind. We shall meet again, soon. Be well, Believe the best. Trust the Universe, Pray your Prayers, and all that good stuff.

Tuesday...Let Us Remember All That We Are

2009-05-19T05:56:00.000-07:00

Let's all take a moment to focus and reflect. The swift passage of time, the way that life envelops us. The day to day doings that persist. The pulling of limp spirit from the bed, to begin another day. The enthusiasm that comes with Friday morning, the excitement that once again, we can unwrap some of what we know as our time. We forget how precious and fleeting it all really is. How does that happen? Distracted by the filler, the tv. the noise, all around us, muffling the cry of our souls - inside, some of us long for something more. The better way, the higher ground, the harmony, enthusiasm, enlightenment...where is it?

Thursday... Blurs Day

2009-05-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

Didya ever have one of those days that clipped along so fast? It's like 8:00, then its 10:30, then it's, 12: 50- like it is now. This is how the weekend passes, not Thurday's Though. Let's just say, no gripes, as I am digging it.

I went to see my mom last night, and she gave me a case that I could keep my paint supplies in, which I think is wonderful, because, up until now, they were in a plastic bag. I will need to go out this weekend- buy some more canvas, maybe a few new paint colors too. I am thrilled that Friday and Payday are just around the bend.

So, after seeing mom, I was really glad I did. We spoke around the elephant in the room and kept any mention in the abstract, which, I think yesterday was what we needed to do. I was glad to see her feeling better, I hope it sticks, as I am praying for her. She is a great lady, and really deserves to be happy. She is genuine, and wonderful, generous, she is the kind of woman we should all want to be, and I am really glad that she is in my life.

I have been doing everything I can to center myself, and attain some degree of harmony- I keep trying. I really want to be an all around good person, and I am trying so hard, watching my words, thoughts, judgements, AAARRRGGGG!!!
Just keep reminding myself that we are all human, and I don't have the right to be critical of others, that I must work on myself, Like I am doing, Here and Now, Working On Me.

And So It Goes, Another Day

2009-05-13T05:32:00.000-07:00

Well, It's Wednesday, a marking day, as it was one week ago today that sweet baby left this world. Trying to handle it with insight, with attempts to pour some optimism into my spirit, trying.

Feeling off, not just today, but let's say the last few weeks. Like I'm lost, or just going along. I feel like my enthusiasm has gone off on a run without me, and left me here to just deal. I want so much to feel a degree of normalcy, and I know that there are things in my life that need changing. Funny about attachment, the ones you should sever never want to leave- and the ones you would like to keep, can't stick around. I just feel like I'm going through the motions, that everything I do is dull and without color, aside from my paintings, they are getting a little brighter, nonsensical Yes, but brighter. I put a prayer out there for all those that matter so much to me, to give us strength, love, guidance and support and hope that it helps. I seem to be talking to God alot lately, not in the conventional Let's go to church way, just working through it with him. Talking to him in the morning, and then again when I go to bed at night. I should probably talk to him more throughout the day, I just get so caught up. Let me just say, I hope he is listening, at least, I think he is. I know that me and my family could use the loving guidance, so I'll just keep asking, talking and giving my thanks.

A New Day...Hope

2009-05-12T05:43:00.000-07:00

Well, judging by the tone of what has already been written, I feel it only necessary to shift gears a little. To see the bigger picture for what it is. The observations I have made as of late are these: Suffering Sucks! Crying, losing, remorse, sadness...The whole Loss and Pain thing is that which we all wish we could bypass. Wouldn't it be great if everything could be good all the time? Wouldn't we just love constant happiness?
The answer is No. I'm sure we would all be disenchanted by happiness as a constant. Where would the struggle be, the fire, the excitement. The world of vanilla, the same, same, same- all the time. And again, the startling realization that only through loss, do we treasure what we have. Only through that pain can we rise up and embrace all the wonderful things we have been given. In those moments of sadness and heartbreak, we always wish we could have done something, said something...changed something. And it is only through the eyes of regret and loss- the heartbreak that we see. That is what it takes to come to a place of understanding. I know, tough way to learn a lesson, and the funniest part is, if you ever read Ram Dass- It's all a cosmic joke. We think that we are so important, that there is something permanent to any of this. HA! It's all transitory- we're all going to go sooner or later- and we are all so caught, Holding so tight, struggling for permanence, fighting difficulties- we can't let go-the attachment creates the struggle, and the holding on feeds the struggle. And, it is alot to wrap your head around. We take it all so seriously- we think we can change it, make it stop- we attempt our interventions. We can only do, what we can do. Let's all stop and think about this for a while. Let us all Stop.

Ode To Sweet Baby...

2009-05-08T05:25:00.000-07:00

I must continue from where I left off, I hope that someday soon, a digital picture of Sweet Baby will grace this page so that not just my words, but, her sweet face will be a testament to just how wonderful she was. This is my tribute to her.

The Sweet Baby Back story goes like this. In late August 2000, my mother's then beloved cat Bugger was very ill, she had him since he was a kitten, and he loved her best. He was gorgeous, black himalayan with fluffy bloomer legs. He had a fiery personality and the one who saw the most of his sweetness was mom. When he passed she was sick about it. Was sure that she never wanted a cat again, at least not for a long time.

A few days after losing Bugger, it was like no time at all. This beautiful, Maine coon cat started wandering around her yard while she was outside working in the garden. And she just meowed and meowed and meowed. And I remember seeing her outside, meowing at my mom, and mom was like, NO WAY, she's not gonna break me. The next time I went to visit Mom- few days, maybe a week later. Sweet baby was sitting inside the door to my mom's house- in the kitchen, looking like a very happy cat. My mom could not deny it, sweet baby won her over- and so they made a life together. Would you believe that after Sweet Baby had meowed her way into my mom's house and heart- She NEVER MEOWED AGAIN...Sweet baby was awesome. So gentle, and sweet. You should have seen how she was with my brother Leigh when he would come to town to visit, they were just in love with each other. It was sickeningly beautiful to watch. Sweet Baby has such a wonderful personality and disposition, we all could not help to love her.

So, around Easter she sounded wheezy, congested. My mother had done rounds with antibiotics on and off for quite some time, as sweet baby would have really thick mucous. I think we thought that this was part of that, however, it was different. And, since Easter my mom was back and forth to the vet with sweet baby, trying to get some idea what was wrong with her- they checked her chest, lungs, found nothing. The breathing just kept getting worse. On the surface Sweet Baby was herself- otherwise, she just wasn't breathing right, it just seemed that somehow she was managing it. Touch and go for weeks...

Finally, after Sweet Baby had gone through a bout with not eating, and mom had given her broth, and was driving herself up the wall from lack of sleep and worry, as sweet baby got worse late at night, and it kept mom on edge.

Mom realized it was in her throat, sure that something was stuck in there
maybe dry cat food, something in her nasal cavity...there was hope for a minute that they could find it and remove it. My mother had to have her put under for the scope, and they lost sweet baby for a minute when that happened. What they found was a heart break. There was a growth blocking her windpipe, going into her throat. It was terrible. We couldn't understand- ANY OF US, how a wonderful cat who brought nothing but JOY would have to experience something like this. My mom could not do anything- that was Monday- she had to process.

On Tuesday evening- I spoke with my mom, and she told me that she was going in Wednesday morning for the second opinion, and that she was not sure how or what was going to happen.
I asked if I could come see her for a while. She said I could as long as I didn't take her down the tubes. So, the evening with Sweet Baby was nice, I spent alot of time petting her, kissing her, cuddling her as much as I could, listening to her labored breathing- wishing she would sound better- she never did. I memorized her big white paws, kissed them, kissed her head, ran my fingers through the long white fur on her stomach, and just soaked her in. She played with her cat toys, still alert, as sharp as always . I watched her go back and forth to the food, about 5 or 6 times while I was there. Dry food, wet food, water. Hey, she even ate a spider. And, I just loved her, and I tried to soak in as much of her as possible, so that I would always remember. Because, I knew, as much as I didn't want to believe, I was saying goodbye- not just for me, but for Leigh, and Lance and Angel. I did not cry. I wanted to, but, I didn't, I didn't for Mom. I could not take us down that road, not yet, as nothing had been decided. And we went back and forth- the whole time I was there, that this did not seem like a cat in bad shape, not a dying cat. These shouldn't even be our thoughts.

I finally left, my stomach was hurting so badly by the time I left there was no option, and I went home and slept. When I awoke Wed to get ready for work, I just had this bad feeling, this sadness, and loss. I started crying then, and got it together, and cried more at my desk when I got to work, and more around 10:00 because that's when I knew she was at the vet, and intermittently throughout the day. I just knew that she was gone...

I cried as if I had already heard the news. And, when my heartbroken mom finally told me at 7:15 that night, we cried more. And since Wed. I have cried so many times over that Beautiful cat, and what a loss this is. And, how terrible I feel for my mom having to go through all that. I always wished Sweet Baby would live forever- and, in a way, she will. Hopefully through this, I can make her stay alive in a way, and remember her for the comfort and love she provided- her gentle, sweet, beautiful way. And we will all know, that there was never another cat like her. May she be blessed, serene and at peace. With love always, you will endure. Rest In Peace Sweet Baby Kitty- Rest In Peace- You deserve it.

Please note: The Kitty above is not sweet baby, however, very similar, as I do not yet have a digital image of sweet baby, this, is pretty close.

2009-05-05T08:28:00.001-07:00

Create A Rewarding Life.

FAITH KNOWS!