Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!
Easing the chest tightness, I think. I am just so angry. I realize that now. Mad, frustrated, irritated. Tired of the corporate non- profit machine, the whole system sucks.
I'm ready for a fresh start, well, maybe I am wrong. I have all these ideas for the changes I wish to make, and then I always worry that someone will get hurt, or something will fall short. I know the change has to come. I want to be self sufficient, I want to work for myself. I had this idea for a not for kid's kids book. I already have the names for a few characters. They are: Ms Twitchy, Ms. Frowsy, Ms.Communicates, and Ms.Guided. ( last one is new, I had a different one written down)and yes, they are based on real people, I would have to find someone else to draw them. If I am really creative, isn't it high time that I start putting that into action?
I haven't been praying like I should, or really, doing much of anything that I should be doing, it seems. I need to pray, meditate, relax and find some peace. Right now, I really want to stop the judging, and here I am feeling hyper critical of so many things in my environment, so I am just completely going against the grain of what I should be doing.
I also feel like I am selling myself short, just wasting my time on so many levels. seem to excel at wasting my time, and then being mad at myself for wasting my time. I know I should be doing something constructive, and there I am, not doing anything that could pass as being good for me. I look young, so why do I feel so old? I feel like I have been around for hundreds of years, and I keep on getting the same lesson.When am I gonna get it? The lesson is do not waste your life, quit squandering your time, and your energy. And the worst part in all that is I KNOW THIS!
I carry all this anxiety, and it is all because, I am not doing what I am meant to do. I am not following my calling, and that is the biggest part, I still seek clarity on the nature of my true calling, so, in the process, I seem to stay stuck, and the frustration builds as a result of that.
There are so many elements of my life in need of an overhaul, and I don't know where to start.
I could sure use some guidance on that. I guess the first place to start is inside, start working on what is necessary to relax and release my anxiety. I need a spiritual diversion. If it means to meditate, or walk, or run, or scream, or sing, or something. I need to find the thing that will unlock all the emotional garbage, and help me to release it. I could use something to distract me from my job, because, that is all it is. It is a job, not a career, not my calling. The work I do to earn my way is just a job, and when that just a job starts to pull your attention so much, cos' it is all that you have allowed yourself to have, or know, then it costs too much. It robs you.And that is the point I have arrived at, feeling robbed. Spiritually, physically, mentally. Where I am has not been where I want to be, and I mean that in the most broad way possible. It is not limited to just one thing. It is all encompassing, it applies to all areas of my life. It also points the finger at settling, something I was so adamantly opposed to, and knowing, that I have allowed myself to settle in far too many areas of my life. And again, the time comes where I must say...Isn't it about time that I changed this, broke the pattern, wrote new rules. The awareness is the first step, and I have been aware for some time.
Only now, can I begin again, to create the conditions that I truly desire within my life, right now, I can change everything. God, I need you on board for this, please, help me out.
Amen, God Bless, Love To All, NAMASTE.
