Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!
Tight in the chest, I attempted my self-imposed errands with enthusiasm. My day went against my plans, and I could feel it inside my body. I realize that it seems, I am holding my breath all the time.I could feel it all day today, it was at it's worst when I was driving home. Just all tight inside, had to keep pushing in and out the breath, keep telling myself that I have to relax.
It's like everything comes in together, and my breath only goes so deep within, before it stops.
I have to work on my breathing, and in general, just calm down. I have all these plans for improving all areas of my life, and I am not allowing the guidance, the flow, it is the resistance. I have been allowing the resistance, I have to change that.
I have been watching waaaayyyyy too much t.v. I can feel all that robbing my soul, my true calling. I caught Joyce Meyer today, and there was a message within that I needed to hear, and today, I heard it. I have been hating all over myself for my imperfections. I have been very uptight, I know this, and I berate myself for being judgmental, and feeling like the big HYPOCRITE. Wanting to be better, and just being so angry. I got into an argument with John this weekend, and the next day, it never even came up, we were just normal, and I wonder if I have gotten used to it, or, if we are both changing. We can scream for change, and when it happens, we can just run with it. It always seems like such a shock, when the long awaited change actually happens, sometimes, you may not even see it.
I have been spending time mired in regret and remorse over moments in the past, things I cannot undo, I can only take pride in the fact that I have alot more character now, and would not do the same things, again, as I have learned with time. Just working through alot of resentment, frustration, and I am not happy with it all, and I am trying to let it go, and move on, and some of it just keeps coming back to kick me. Long ago, and faraway, in my quest to want to be a better person, I cannot stop tormenting myself with this. It's like getting through the way I feel, is necessary to my improved reality.
So, let's just say, lately it feels as though I have been a little wound up. I have not been what I think would be the me that I strive and intend to be. I just feel like I am a big jerk, all the time, I hardly talk to anybody, I take it all too seriously, and I should really just relax, and I want to, so bad, I feel like I need some one to talk me through this tension I have carried. It's not just one thing that is slowing me down, it is a whole bunch of things, it is bad.It is John, It is Jason, It is Jodi, It is my Dad, It is the newsstand, and that time in my life, it is a whole bunch of things, that sense that somewhere, I lost my spark, my zest, and I just kind of gave up, and that is not how I want to live. I worry constantly, of the ways that I am judged or have judged myself. It is alot to process. It is about realizing the role that we ourselves actually play in our destiny, our quality of life. I guess that I have been holding my breath for years, since John actively came back into my life, since then, various managed degrees of tension.It feels as though, it has finally started to back up on me, and he is nicer now then he ever was, and I guess that I am still mad, though I keep trying to get over it. I want someone I can get along with all the time, nice and simple, without the drama. And I feel like a guilty fool for that, like, I shouldn't want that.Do I really have any clear idea, what it is that I do want. It's not even a question, I already know the answer.
So, here I sit, trying to breathe a little deeper, and to learn my heart, and only want to be the best me that I can be, and here I sit, stuck, trapped by my own thoughts.
God, World, Great Divine Source, I sure could use some help.
Peace, God Bless, Amen, and Namaste.
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