Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!
Easing the chest tightness, I think. I am just so angry. I realize that now. Mad, frustrated, irritated. Tired of the corporate non- profit machine, the whole system sucks.
I'm ready for a fresh start, well, maybe I am wrong. I have all these ideas for the changes I wish to make, and then I always worry that someone will get hurt, or something will fall short. I know the change has to come. I want to be self sufficient, I want to work for myself. I had this idea for a not for kid's kids book. I already have the names for a few characters. They are: Ms Twitchy, Ms. Frowsy, Ms.Communicates, and Ms.Guided. ( last one is new, I had a different one written down)and yes, they are based on real people, I would have to find someone else to draw them. If I am really creative, isn't it high time that I start putting that into action?
I haven't been praying like I should, or really, doing much of anything that I should be doing, it seems. I need to pray, meditate, relax and find some peace. Right now, I really want to stop the judging, and here I am feeling hyper critical of so many things in my environment, so I am just completely going against the grain of what I should be doing.
I also feel like I am selling myself short, just wasting my time on so many levels. seem to excel at wasting my time, and then being mad at myself for wasting my time. I know I should be doing something constructive, and there I am, not doing anything that could pass as being good for me. I look young, so why do I feel so old? I feel like I have been around for hundreds of years, and I keep on getting the same lesson.When am I gonna get it? The lesson is do not waste your life, quit squandering your time, and your energy. And the worst part in all that is I KNOW THIS!
I carry all this anxiety, and it is all because, I am not doing what I am meant to do. I am not following my calling, and that is the biggest part, I still seek clarity on the nature of my true calling, so, in the process, I seem to stay stuck, and the frustration builds as a result of that.
There are so many elements of my life in need of an overhaul, and I don't know where to start.
I could sure use some guidance on that. I guess the first place to start is inside, start working on what is necessary to relax and release my anxiety. I need a spiritual diversion. If it means to meditate, or walk, or run, or scream, or sing, or something. I need to find the thing that will unlock all the emotional garbage, and help me to release it. I could use something to distract me from my job, because, that is all it is. It is a job, not a career, not my calling. The work I do to earn my way is just a job, and when that just a job starts to pull your attention so much, cos' it is all that you have allowed yourself to have, or know, then it costs too much. It robs you.And that is the point I have arrived at, feeling robbed. Spiritually, physically, mentally. Where I am has not been where I want to be, and I mean that in the most broad way possible. It is not limited to just one thing. It is all encompassing, it applies to all areas of my life. It also points the finger at settling, something I was so adamantly opposed to, and knowing, that I have allowed myself to settle in far too many areas of my life. And again, the time comes where I must say...Isn't it about time that I changed this, broke the pattern, wrote new rules. The awareness is the first step, and I have been aware for some time.
Only now, can I begin again, to create the conditions that I truly desire within my life, right now, I can change everything. God, I need you on board for this, please, help me out.
Amen, God Bless, Love To All, NAMASTE.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Monday, MLK Day, The Day Off
Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!
Tight in the chest, I attempted my self-imposed errands with enthusiasm. My day went against my plans, and I could feel it inside my body. I realize that it seems, I am holding my breath all the time.I could feel it all day today, it was at it's worst when I was driving home. Just all tight inside, had to keep pushing in and out the breath, keep telling myself that I have to relax.
It's like everything comes in together, and my breath only goes so deep within, before it stops.
I have to work on my breathing, and in general, just calm down. I have all these plans for improving all areas of my life, and I am not allowing the guidance, the flow, it is the resistance. I have been allowing the resistance, I have to change that.
I have been watching waaaayyyyy too much t.v. I can feel all that robbing my soul, my true calling. I caught Joyce Meyer today, and there was a message within that I needed to hear, and today, I heard it. I have been hating all over myself for my imperfections. I have been very uptight, I know this, and I berate myself for being judgmental, and feeling like the big HYPOCRITE. Wanting to be better, and just being so angry. I got into an argument with John this weekend, and the next day, it never even came up, we were just normal, and I wonder if I have gotten used to it, or, if we are both changing. We can scream for change, and when it happens, we can just run with it. It always seems like such a shock, when the long awaited change actually happens, sometimes, you may not even see it.
I have been spending time mired in regret and remorse over moments in the past, things I cannot undo, I can only take pride in the fact that I have alot more character now, and would not do the same things, again, as I have learned with time. Just working through alot of resentment, frustration, and I am not happy with it all, and I am trying to let it go, and move on, and some of it just keeps coming back to kick me. Long ago, and faraway, in my quest to want to be a better person, I cannot stop tormenting myself with this. It's like getting through the way I feel, is necessary to my improved reality.
So, let's just say, lately it feels as though I have been a little wound up. I have not been what I think would be the me that I strive and intend to be. I just feel like I am a big jerk, all the time, I hardly talk to anybody, I take it all too seriously, and I should really just relax, and I want to, so bad, I feel like I need some one to talk me through this tension I have carried. It's not just one thing that is slowing me down, it is a whole bunch of things, it is bad.It is John, It is Jason, It is Jodi, It is my Dad, It is the newsstand, and that time in my life, it is a whole bunch of things, that sense that somewhere, I lost my spark, my zest, and I just kind of gave up, and that is not how I want to live. I worry constantly, of the ways that I am judged or have judged myself. It is alot to process. It is about realizing the role that we ourselves actually play in our destiny, our quality of life. I guess that I have been holding my breath for years, since John actively came back into my life, since then, various managed degrees of tension.It feels as though, it has finally started to back up on me, and he is nicer now then he ever was, and I guess that I am still mad, though I keep trying to get over it. I want someone I can get along with all the time, nice and simple, without the drama. And I feel like a guilty fool for that, like, I shouldn't want that.Do I really have any clear idea, what it is that I do want. It's not even a question, I already know the answer.
So, here I sit, trying to breathe a little deeper, and to learn my heart, and only want to be the best me that I can be, and here I sit, stuck, trapped by my own thoughts.
God, World, Great Divine Source, I sure could use some help.
Peace, God Bless, Amen, and Namaste.
Tight in the chest, I attempted my self-imposed errands with enthusiasm. My day went against my plans, and I could feel it inside my body. I realize that it seems, I am holding my breath all the time.I could feel it all day today, it was at it's worst when I was driving home. Just all tight inside, had to keep pushing in and out the breath, keep telling myself that I have to relax.
It's like everything comes in together, and my breath only goes so deep within, before it stops.
I have to work on my breathing, and in general, just calm down. I have all these plans for improving all areas of my life, and I am not allowing the guidance, the flow, it is the resistance. I have been allowing the resistance, I have to change that.
I have been watching waaaayyyyy too much t.v. I can feel all that robbing my soul, my true calling. I caught Joyce Meyer today, and there was a message within that I needed to hear, and today, I heard it. I have been hating all over myself for my imperfections. I have been very uptight, I know this, and I berate myself for being judgmental, and feeling like the big HYPOCRITE. Wanting to be better, and just being so angry. I got into an argument with John this weekend, and the next day, it never even came up, we were just normal, and I wonder if I have gotten used to it, or, if we are both changing. We can scream for change, and when it happens, we can just run with it. It always seems like such a shock, when the long awaited change actually happens, sometimes, you may not even see it.
I have been spending time mired in regret and remorse over moments in the past, things I cannot undo, I can only take pride in the fact that I have alot more character now, and would not do the same things, again, as I have learned with time. Just working through alot of resentment, frustration, and I am not happy with it all, and I am trying to let it go, and move on, and some of it just keeps coming back to kick me. Long ago, and faraway, in my quest to want to be a better person, I cannot stop tormenting myself with this. It's like getting through the way I feel, is necessary to my improved reality.
So, let's just say, lately it feels as though I have been a little wound up. I have not been what I think would be the me that I strive and intend to be. I just feel like I am a big jerk, all the time, I hardly talk to anybody, I take it all too seriously, and I should really just relax, and I want to, so bad, I feel like I need some one to talk me through this tension I have carried. It's not just one thing that is slowing me down, it is a whole bunch of things, it is bad.It is John, It is Jason, It is Jodi, It is my Dad, It is the newsstand, and that time in my life, it is a whole bunch of things, that sense that somewhere, I lost my spark, my zest, and I just kind of gave up, and that is not how I want to live. I worry constantly, of the ways that I am judged or have judged myself. It is alot to process. It is about realizing the role that we ourselves actually play in our destiny, our quality of life. I guess that I have been holding my breath for years, since John actively came back into my life, since then, various managed degrees of tension.It feels as though, it has finally started to back up on me, and he is nicer now then he ever was, and I guess that I am still mad, though I keep trying to get over it. I want someone I can get along with all the time, nice and simple, without the drama. And I feel like a guilty fool for that, like, I shouldn't want that.Do I really have any clear idea, what it is that I do want. It's not even a question, I already know the answer.
So, here I sit, trying to breathe a little deeper, and to learn my heart, and only want to be the best me that I can be, and here I sit, stuck, trapped by my own thoughts.
God, World, Great Divine Source, I sure could use some help.
Peace, God Bless, Amen, and Namaste.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Happy New Year 1/17/ 2010
Create A Rewarding Life.
FAITH KNOWS!
Hello Again,
It has been some time, and I haven't been typing very well today, I will do my best.
Working on that new lease on life, though I have been stuck on the same. Have to break out of that. I have to get my chi in line, find my center and work from there.
I feel this tension in my neck and shoulders, holding my breath again. I have to get around that.
I have to fix some things in my life. Create some friendships, work on relationships, create more order, calm myself, pray more, RELAX, and breathe through the tension in my life, stop judging and fearing judgment, I wish I didn't feel like everyone was out to get me. I always feel like I'm the dork, it doesn't seem to matter how much better my style, my hair, I still feel like everyone is talking about me.
Vanity is one of those bad things. Seven deadly, I forgot which #, it just is pretty bad, wherever it stands. I feel like I have lost my way, and I need to trust the guidance that I am being given, I feel like, accidentally, I ended up appointing myself the worrier.
I hate that, who made it my job?
I just want to keep buying clothes, and being better looking, like some days lately, I feel as though I have never looked better in my life, like, I am getting better all the time, and there are the days where I doubt it. I started using WEN and I LOVE It. As long as I can afford it, I will use it. My hair has never looked better, I must say!
So, I go back and forth on the self esteem scale, low, mid, high, my self esteem has fluctuated. I love the good days, and I want waaayyyy more of them.
I always feel like I waste my Sundays, it's just another day that I am not a fan of. It's like the end of something good, Friday is wind down, Saturday is Fun, and Sunday is bounce back and get ready, it just goes so fast, and usually, I just feel like a slug, like today.
I just know, in a nutshell that there are so many things I need to do, to make my life consistently better, and I have to start somewhere, and just accept that positive changes are upon me. I have to start doing the things that I like, that bring me joy, and embrace the good, exciting moments, and make way more of them.
God, I need help, I need someone, somewhere to just come out of the woodwork, and help to guide me, cos; this change that I seek, needs to happen, and Man, do I need help!
Goodnight, God Bless, Amen, Thank You, and NAMASTE!
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