Sick Tuesday

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS! I woke up today and felt like crap. Had the body aches, congestion, sore throat, and just wanted to sleep. Did not bother with make up, and barely bothered to get dressed. Just threw on some clothes, and dragged myself out the door to to work, had no desire to be anywhere or doing anything. Was there about half an hour before I came back home. Stopped at Walgreens and picked up some cold pills, came home and slept. Then I woke up and ate something took more cold pills and fell back asleep. Now I am up for the third time, and waiting for the last round of cold pills to kick in, hopefully, I can sleep through the night. So, I am kind of waiting that out. I don't want to fall out too soon or else I will probably wake up at 3 in the morning.

I just feel wiped out, and I am sure that there is not much job enthusiasm, and I wisjh I could figure out this Independent Wealth thing so that I could work on my own schedule and not feel as though I am selling myself short.

Had lots of strange dreams while I was under. The first round of sleep brought this one where I looked inside a slightly dirty white ring box, which was empty, someone gave me two skeleton keys after a lot of maneuvering, they were a reddish pink, sort of irridescent, and one was slightly smaller then the other one. There was another part where I was going through a container at work and I found a bundle of freshly sharpened pencils, all blue.

Then the next round of dreams had me and my dad eating some kind of whipped cream dessert out of a container, I remember it felt normal to have him there, he was hanging out with my mom and they were getting along. Then I was at work, and there were all these girls working in the back on sorting tables, one was made from part of our old shipping station.
Vicky said something along the lines of the work we were doing was stupid, and that nobody seemed to care. I said that we just need to advertise.

Then I was in my car, and the wheel was falling off, and my laptop was sitting on a pile of stuff next to my passenger window, and I was just gonna get out and leave it there, and there was someone in the car next to me that I could not see. I realized that if I had to fix my wheel first, it was propped on with something like velcro. I then found a tricycle, only it just had the left handle, and I had to wrap my right hand around the bar that the left handle was mounted to, so I was hunched over riding. I had to peddle like mad to establish any kind of momentum, when I rode past a group of people, this guy stuck his leg out like he was gonna knock me off, but, he just missed me, but, I still sort of fell, and when I looked down there was a pile of old books laying on the ground. That is all I remember, some strange things, likely created by the medication I took before I fell asleep.

It just makes me think, how active my mind is, how aware that I am that I am selling myself short, that time just keeps passing, and that I do so miss feeling enthusiastic about anything. There seems to be so little that I get excited about, and that worries me, that I need to find that spark, that light that gets me going again, and I need to find the right path, and I think that somewhere, somehow I strayed, I lost my way. I wish I could know when or how that happened, I can guess, but, I am not sure if I would be right. I can only imagine that it happened alot longer ago than I have ever alluded to.

There are sounds of movement in my house, I don't know if they are sounds of someone new arriving or departing, as I no longer seem to know the people that live within this house, kind of like the fact that I no longer seem to knoe the me that loives within my own house- me that is.

Who am I? Where Am I? How did I get here? Where am I going, and will I inevitably like it better then where I have been.
I know that I have been wasting my time and my life and for that I am tru;y sorry and greatly ashamed, and I can only ask for guidance and help to get me on the right path and help me to discover over my true calling, my ultimate happiness, and that I will finally make the changes necessary to make my dreams come to pass.

With God's help, I will succeed, so help- me.

In God's name I pray, trust and give Thanks.
Amen Dear God, Bless us all, Thank You, Namaste.

The Renewal

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

I don't know where I am going with this post, or what it means, or what it will entail.

I had some drama, and some cleaning this weekend. I started to realize, crystal clear that there are certain things that we will put up with for the longest time, for whatever reason, as I am not here to speculate on the reasons...then it' s like, why, am I putting up with this.

All of a sudden, it's like a light shines in...

Had all this work anxiety this weekend, probably because, I never checked my computer after Friday, so I had this permeating feeling that chaos was brewing. It was a lot of angst over a job, not a career, just a job, one that is not very challenging at that. I hate to say that it is uneventful, I will not use the word I hate- the b---ng word that I have never been a fan of.

I was in the middle of this post the other night, and I had to shelf it, cos' my mom called me back...awww. I love my mom, she is awesome.

Have ended it with John again today, maybe this time it will stick.

Cleaned the crud off my dashboard, and my windows, threw the garbage out of my car...will have the family in the ride tomorrow for our annual jaunt to the Broadway Market for the Good Friday experience, and, it would be awesome to have the car un filthy. I'm sort of thinking that we sjould all go out and tie one on, start a new tradition...doubtful, but, entertaining to consider I would say.

I seem to be getting far less emotional about the John related crises than I used to... I guess I am just getting over the whole thing, it's been years of this over and over again.

I see that if something does not work, you cannot force it, that only makes it harder. What's done is done, we could end a lot of suffering if we could just accept these things, and get on with it, come on, life is hard enough already, I would say

As for the rest, I am hoping that I can embrace my time alone, and really, utilize it creatively, not trying to figure out what went wrong, where would I start. I would rather create, and get some order, and finally have the peace that I have been seeking.

Sounds like a plan I would say.

Time to move on, and stop being stunted and start flourishing. It is Spring after all, Easter is Sunday, and what better time to renew yourself.

I have the Window open for the first time in months, and it is so good to have the fresh air seeping in the window. I need that fresh air It has finally arrived. YAY!!!

I think it's almost time to take a shower and put the wrap on this night.

I will be back soon.

Peace ,Love, Amen, God Bless, Namaste!

Hmmmm?

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!
You have to know yourself really well, o know who you are.

Thinks about that for a sec0nd and realize what that really means and reflect on that thought.

If yoou know who you are, where is the struggle?

The struggle is gone, that existential crisis is gone.

There is no longer no you to find.

The spirit goes.

You know who you are, so now what?

Does mans search for meaning continue, after man finds the meaning?

What's the point after that, when you realize what it all means, in whatever way you have arrived at it, isn't the point of this, what we know, gone?

Isn't that what it is all about?

To attain some level of awareness and experience, I mean isn't that why we are here- to experience the physical condition?

And then what...we go on to another, our spirit never dies, though our bodies will.

Always the necessity for suffering, why ?

We would not appreciate life, except for realizing that somehow, someday, all of our lives will be over. We just wants ours and our loved ones to live as long as possible. We dont want to lose, or be lost. Nobody does. It sucks. It's the sad reality that all things must pass away.

We must rejoice in all that is beautiful in our lives at all times.

So, why can it be so hard, why do we get so caught up,, and give ourselves the permission to forget that we have the privilege of the things that we have, as there are never any guarantees, and we need to remind ourselves.

I hope that makes you think. It sure makes me think, and I remember,all the ways I have allowed myself to forget, that I need to be, appreciating.

I need to remind myself, constantly of all that is sacred and good within my life.

I need to remember that I am blessed.

I get so mad at myself when I feel that I have fallen below my own personal expectations, and I get frustrated, and I realize all the ways that I fail, in my quest to do well.

I get all over my own case for all my misdealings. I know that the things that really bother me, are really important to resolve. I know that what ever it is that makes me really angry is pointing directly towards something that I do not like within myself, and I know that I have to resolve it.

This realization, like all realizations, that one has been a long time coming.

I could really use some help with this, in the most broad expanse of the word.


On that note, I will close this up, and sleep in these thoughts, wahtever they actually mean, and come to some clear headed conclusion.

Wednesday and The Budget Crisis

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

If you think that this will be about the budget and the high expectations of the job and all that...you can just forget it. Though a catchy title, it smacks too had of what has been chewing on me all day, and I see that this is an opportunity to vent, albeit, without expounding.

I realize how stupid some things are, how counterproductive, and we smack our heads against the wall, in vein. We struggle after something, thinking that it, whatever it is is going to make us happy, that this thing, whatever it is, is the answer.

It;s not the answer, it never is. I am truly coming to see that whatever we fight towards to acquire, is, the wrong answer.

All of a sudden it seemed today, I became FED UP. It;s like, the week has been a little off, all the way, and then today, I just had it. I realized how ridiculous it all is, being susceptible and capablef receiving another person's mood.I fell face first into another person's mood.

And, it has been poisoning me all day, and I am angry that I have allowed it. I'm sick of receiving other people's crap, and it is just a waste, very tiring, and I need to sleep on that. It sucks, and I will resist that in my life, every step of the way, every day, all the time.

Tuesday Feb. 23, 2010

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

So, It's been awhile, and I have been busy doing...whatever it is that I do.
Going through the motions, trying to be a better person, I think I am making some progress. At least, that is what I hope.

Trying not to be so trapped by my thoughts, dealing with the obstacles and challenges as they arise, as opposed to planning how to deal with these things if and when they arise. Just doing my best at being the best that I can be, and getting on.

The mood swings, the roller coaster, not gone, just choosing a new method of dealing, and I think in this life, if you can find alternative methods for dealing, creating as much ease in any given situation that you can muster, that, is a positive step in the right direction.

We all have our ups and downs, you have to remind yourself that these things come with the territory that is this life, that it is all wired into the human condition, that we are all here to make the best of whatever hand we have been dealt, and we have to ride the waves as they come, and not sweat it all so much.

That seems to be the biggest lesson. Things will come up that challenge you, the thing is you have the option of deciding how you will react to these things when they arise. I am starting to see that there are so few things that really warrant getting all bent out of shape about.

We don't have to shift into crisis mode when something happens that seems to strike out of the blue. When you start operating in that vein, it almost feels as if you have forgotten something. Then you realize that you have forgotten to get all worked up over something that maybe once, would have really rattled your cage. There are so many things that really are not necessary to think about all the time, we just THINK, that we have to figure all these things out.

We have to remember that we can tap into that place of harmony, and when we do, we find things that once would have challenged us, or been daunting, no longer effect us in the same way.

I stopped awhile back, to think about all the time that we waste in this life...Overthinking is a big part of it, working ourselves into a frenzy over all the what ifs that cha cha cha through our heads. Think about all the time you spend waiting in lines...the supermarket,the bank, dmv...waiting on red lights, waiting for the program you want to watch, waiting through the commercials, waiting for the coffee to brew/ Waiting, letting our minds run us, while westand about waiting. It's all just a waste. We can't get around the time we spend waiting on things, it's just a part of life. We can however, choose our thoughts, while we are waiting on all the things that we need to do. We have to remember while we stand around, or sit, or whatever, that we manufacture these ideas.

I have lost countless hours, days, weeks of my life, flipping the buttons on my tv remote, looking for some show that will grab my attention, as opposed to shutting it off, and using my time more productively, in a manner that may inevitably benefit me.

Go figure, that I can somehow reconcile this wasted time, because I'm feeling lazy/ unmotivated at that moment, and then I can hate on myself for god knows how long, because I am mad at myself for not doing something better, something else, something that may change my life for the better.

Great little conundrum isn't it???

It's about time to flip the script, embrace the present moment, and if it is not life and death, it's not really worth sweating over. Like, I would really like to type faster, I type quickly now, I just want to be super swift on the keyboard, and I have to practice, and I know where all the keys are...so why don't I close my eyes and just do it? The answer is that as of yet I don't trust myself, and I realize that the key to any great change in this life, or any change for that matter big, or small, you have to trust yourself. Makes you think, doesn't it?

f you want to change anything, you can think about it, and talk about it, and meditate on it, and all that, until you actually do it, it's all just an idea. Like one day, I will sit down and write some great book.

Yes, however, I have not yet done so, and I am still unclear as t0 what this great book is going to be about...so, is it any wonder that this book has not been written yet?

The answer is that I need to find my passion for this. I have to decide that I cannot put it off any longer. So, what am I waiting for???

I'm sure hoping that the answer to this question will finally be answered. I could really ise that resolution so that I can get it all going already.

A great thought to close this entry with it...

Good night, God Bless, Amen and as always NAMASTE!

Monday.

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Easing the chest tightness, I think. I am just so angry. I realize that now. Mad, frustrated, irritated. Tired of the corporate non- profit machine, the whole system sucks.
I'm ready for a fresh start, well, maybe I am wrong. I have all these ideas for the changes I wish to make, and then I always worry that someone will get hurt, or something will fall short. I know the change has to come. I want to be self sufficient, I want to work for myself. I had this idea for a not for kid's kids book. I already have the names for a few characters. They are: Ms Twitchy, Ms. Frowsy, Ms.Communicates, and Ms.Guided. ( last one is new, I had a different one written down)and yes, they are based on real people, I would have to find someone else to draw them. If I am really creative, isn't it high time that I start putting that into action?

I haven't been praying like I should, or really, doing much of anything that I should be doing, it seems. I need to pray, meditate, relax and find some peace. Right now, I really want to stop the judging, and here I am feeling hyper critical of so many things in my environment, so I am just completely going against the grain of what I should be doing.
I also feel like I am selling myself short, just wasting my time on so many levels. seem to excel at wasting my time, and then being mad at myself for wasting my time. I know I should be doing something constructive, and there I am, not doing anything that could pass as being good for me. I look young, so why do I feel so old? I feel like I have been around for hundreds of years, and I keep on getting the same lesson.When am I gonna get it? The lesson is do not waste your life, quit squandering your time, and your energy. And the worst part in all that is I KNOW THIS!
I carry all this anxiety, and it is all because, I am not doing what I am meant to do. I am not following my calling, and that is the biggest part, I still seek clarity on the nature of my true calling, so, in the process, I seem to stay stuck, and the frustration builds as a result of that.

There are so many elements of my life in need of an overhaul, and I don't know where to start.
I could sure use some guidance on that. I guess the first place to start is inside, start working on what is necessary to relax and release my anxiety. I need a spiritual diversion. If it means to meditate, or walk, or run, or scream, or sing, or something. I need to find the thing that will unlock all the emotional garbage, and help me to release it. I could use something to distract me from my job, because, that is all it is. It is a job, not a career, not my calling. The work I do to earn my way is just a job, and when that just a job starts to pull your attention so much, cos' it is all that you have allowed yourself to have, or know, then it costs too much. It robs you.And that is the point I have arrived at, feeling robbed. Spiritually, physically, mentally. Where I am has not been where I want to be, and I mean that in the most broad way possible. It is not limited to just one thing. It is all encompassing, it applies to all areas of my life. It also points the finger at settling, something I was so adamantly opposed to, and knowing, that I have allowed myself to settle in far too many areas of my life. And again, the time comes where I must say...Isn't it about time that I changed this, broke the pattern, wrote new rules. The awareness is the first step, and I have been aware for some time.

Only now, can I begin again, to create the conditions that I truly desire within my life, right now, I can change everything. God, I need you on board for this, please, help me out.

Amen, God Bless, Love To All, NAMASTE.

Monday, MLK Day, The Day Off

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

Tight in the chest, I attempted my self-imposed errands with enthusiasm. My day went against my plans, and I could feel it inside my body. I realize that it seems, I am holding my breath all the time.I could feel it all day today, it was at it's worst when I was driving home. Just all tight inside, had to keep pushing in and out the breath, keep telling myself that I have to relax.
It's like everything comes in together, and my breath only goes so deep within, before it stops.
I have to work on my breathing, and in general, just calm down. I have all these plans for improving all areas of my life, and I am not allowing the guidance, the flow, it is the resistance. I have been allowing the resistance, I have to change that.
I have been watching waaaayyyyy too much t.v. I can feel all that robbing my soul, my true calling. I caught Joyce Meyer today, and there was a message within that I needed to hear, and today, I heard it. I have been hating all over myself for my imperfections. I have been very uptight, I know this, and I berate myself for being judgmental, and feeling like the big HYPOCRITE. Wanting to be better, and just being so angry. I got into an argument with John this weekend, and the next day, it never even came up, we were just normal, and I wonder if I have gotten used to it, or, if we are both changing. We can scream for change, and when it happens, we can just run with it. It always seems like such a shock, when the long awaited change actually happens, sometimes, you may not even see it.
I have been spending time mired in regret and remorse over moments in the past, things I cannot undo, I can only take pride in the fact that I have alot more character now, and would not do the same things, again, as I have learned with time. Just working through alot of resentment, frustration, and I am not happy with it all, and I am trying to let it go, and move on, and some of it just keeps coming back to kick me. Long ago, and faraway, in my quest to want to be a better person, I cannot stop tormenting myself with this. It's like getting through the way I feel, is necessary to my improved reality.
So, let's just say, lately it feels as though I have been a little wound up. I have not been what I think would be the me that I strive and intend to be. I just feel like I am a big jerk, all the time, I hardly talk to anybody, I take it all too seriously, and I should really just relax, and I want to, so bad, I feel like I need some one to talk me through this tension I have carried. It's not just one thing that is slowing me down, it is a whole bunch of things, it is bad.It is John, It is Jason, It is Jodi, It is my Dad, It is the newsstand, and that time in my life, it is a whole bunch of things, that sense that somewhere, I lost my spark, my zest, and I just kind of gave up, and that is not how I want to live. I worry constantly, of the ways that I am judged or have judged myself. It is alot to process. It is about realizing the role that we ourselves actually play in our destiny, our quality of life. I guess that I have been holding my breath for years, since John actively came back into my life, since then, various managed degrees of tension.It feels as though, it has finally started to back up on me, and he is nicer now then he ever was, and I guess that I am still mad, though I keep trying to get over it. I want someone I can get along with all the time, nice and simple, without the drama. And I feel like a guilty fool for that, like, I shouldn't want that.Do I really have any clear idea, what it is that I do want. It's not even a question, I already know the answer.
So, here I sit, trying to breathe a little deeper, and to learn my heart, and only want to be the best me that I can be, and here I sit, stuck, trapped by my own thoughts.

God, World, Great Divine Source, I sure could use some help.

Peace, God Bless, Amen, and Namaste.

Happy New Year 1/17/ 2010

Create A Rewarding Life.
FAITH KNOWS!


Hello Again,

It has been some time, and I haven't been typing very well today, I will do my best.
Working on that new lease on life, though I have been stuck on the same. Have to break out of that. I have to get my chi in line, find my center and work from there.

I feel this tension in my neck and shoulders, holding my breath again. I have to get around that.
I have to fix some things in my life. Create some friendships, work on relationships, create more order, calm myself, pray more, RELAX, and breathe through the tension in my life, stop judging and fearing judgment, I wish I didn't feel like everyone was out to get me. I always feel like I'm the dork, it doesn't seem to matter how much better my style, my hair, I still feel like everyone is talking about me.

Vanity is one of those bad things. Seven deadly, I forgot which #, it just is pretty bad, wherever it stands. I feel like I have lost my way, and I need to trust the guidance that I am being given, I feel like, accidentally, I ended up appointing myself the worrier.

I hate that, who made it my job?

I just want to keep buying clothes, and being better looking, like some days lately, I feel as though I have never looked better in my life, like, I am getting better all the time, and there are the days where I doubt it. I started using WEN and I LOVE It. As long as I can afford it, I will use it. My hair has never looked better, I must say!

So, I go back and forth on the self esteem scale, low, mid, high, my self esteem has fluctuated. I love the good days, and I want waaayyyy more of them.

I always feel like I waste my Sundays, it's just another day that I am not a fan of. It's like the end of something good, Friday is wind down, Saturday is Fun, and Sunday is bounce back and get ready, it just goes so fast, and usually, I just feel like a slug, like today.

I just know, in a nutshell that there are so many things I need to do, to make my life consistently better, and I have to start somewhere, and just accept that positive changes are upon me. I have to start doing the things that I like, that bring me joy, and embrace the good, exciting moments, and make way more of them.

God, I need help, I need someone, somewhere to just come out of the woodwork, and help to guide me, cos; this change that I seek, needs to happen, and Man, do I need help!

Goodnight, God Bless, Amen, Thank You, and NAMASTE!