Moody Saturday

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

It started normally enough...Shash pawing at my face to awaken me, cos' she was hungry, and she is the Queen of the house. I just pay rent so that her and Floof can run the place. I also found that when I set up my coffee last night, I inadvertently turned on the timer, so the coffee was brewing at 6:30, and I didn't get out of bed until 8, so the coffee was already rotten by the time I awoke, so, I drank it anyway.

I had all these things that I was gonna do. I took a shower, made FRESH coffee, and decided that I really needed a nap at around 11:30 cos' the sleep I had was incomplete.

I fell out a little after 12 and it was the nicest rest, Floof was next to me, all warm and purry like she does, and it was the best nap I had in ages. Then the phone woke me, and it was a wrong number, so the call was not even intended for me. I laid back down, and I kept hearing this motorcycle revving next door, and then I became aware of the exhaust stink permeating the atmosphere, seeping through the windows, and I knew that I could not go back to sleep.

I finally started getting ready to get going, and I went outside to check the weather, and I spot a bill from the phone company, i.e. internet provider. For some reason, I opened it, and I am glad that I did, as it appeared to be a cancellation notice! Imagine my shock, I went through all this stuff with the phone company a few weeks ago, re: a scam by an outside company that cold calls, blah blah blah that tells you that you will save money if you switch long distance carriers, turns out it was bs, and that it voided the phone package I had thus 3x my bill. So I had called the company a few weeks back, thought it was all straightened out, I figure this was an error, but, I paid it anyway, after a lean week before payday as it is, and let's just say that I was not too happy.

So unhappy, that I killed the handicapped remote that I had nearly murdered a few times before. It had to go, it was on it's last legs and all that. Let's just say that the notice did not create positive events initially...

I am not proud.

Then, I left to drive to the Res to buy what I hope will be one of my last ever cartons of cigarettes, and the beginning of the trip was tense. I nearly rear end somebody at a light, I dropped a lit cigarette under my seat, had to pull over to find it, then realize that I had to cool myself out, so, I start praying. First all formal, my standard prayer, then more diligent, and natural, like I am talking out loud, just working it through, and finally, PEACE starts to come.

I get to the Res, in and out, drive all that way for an exchange that takes about 45 seconds, and on the way back the Jabez prayer comes to me, and I start saying it over and over again.

Oh Lord, That you would bless me indeed, and expand my territory, that your hand would be with me and that you would keep me from evil.

Once I hit the city I am CALM, very much at peace, and I know that if I can continue this prayer, I will be alright.

I go to John's as I have a carton of cigs for him, and the whole time the prayer keeps playing in my head, I just keep repeating it.

Then, I go to his house for a while, drink a beer, still okay.

By the end of the second beer, I am ready to slam him.

It occured to me how much I did not want to be there, and I started to get together to leave, and I just wanted to void him from my life.

He didn't do anything different then what he usually does. He was actually pretty normal for him. I just had to get out of there.

When I get home, I find the lost battery to my remote, and tried to repair it, to no avail. I really killed it this time.

Oh well.

Then, I see that I have 2 messages, another one from my brother Lance, saying that he is hanging out with my brother Leigh and that they want to see what I was up to.
The other is from my mom. Apparently we are all going to eat tomorrow after 5, and I am invited. I almost called to say No, that I wasn't going. Then, I didn't. I just started bawling. Tears of frustration.

Then, I git here, figured I would air myself out, and I guess I feel better.

It's just that I am beginning to see that there are so many holes in my life, so many big blank spots that need to be filled, and that they can't be filled by beer, or John, or new clothes, or anything tangible.

I guess the answer is that the holes in my life can only be filled by God, or some higher power, and that is really where I need to put my attention in the present.

On becoming a better person through the cultivation of faith, guidance and love.

There is no other way.

With that, I close this piece to sort my thoughts, pray my prayers, and return to a place of PEACE.

Goodnight, God Bless, Amen and always, NAMASTE!