Moody Wednesday 91609

Create A Rewarding Life. FAITH KNOWS!

My day started fine, by late afternoon I had emotionally deteriorated, or at least started to. In the tail end of my cycle, I could feel that I was too emotionally attached to other people's actions, looks, behaviors, everything. I hate mood swings, and here I am deep in the middle of one, and I am trying to shake it without destroying everything in my path in the process.

I went to John's for a sandwich and to wash and dry a load of clothes, clothes that took two hours to wash and half dry, it was only one load, and it wasn't even finished, and I stormed out of there with a basket of wet clothes that I had to dry while I was here, and I thought that was a big waste of time, I was so frustrated. He didn't fight me, let me leave in my agitated state and told me to call him if I wanted, I didn't. Hopefully, I won't feel terrible about that tomorrow.

Then, I went on facebook and an off handed comment from my one boss to a coworker who had missed the seme meeting that I had missed this afternoon was to the effect that anyone who misses meetings gets talked about the whole time, and that bothered me, and I know that it was all in jest, however, based on my mood, I was almost ready to deactivate my fb account, I know I have to chill.

These are the kind of days when I really miss my dad, and the clever things he would say, noneof which are clean enough to repeat here, cos' that is not what I am going for either.

Then I remembered the Four agreements which has been sitting on my shelf for quite some time so I dug it out....Made me think. I am going to attach the post that I almost put on my fb page and thankfully deleted, hopefully, it's still here:

Paranoia, or intuition, what is your gut telling you? Who is your friend, and who is your foe? Somebody better tell me, cos' I no longer know. Room to move, room to grow, I know the faces that speak behind my back, I shouldn't give a damn, cos I know that they are whack, still I let it bug me, and I shrug it off, til the day it's just too heavy, a burden I can't cast off. I keep my head down and my eyes low, cos' if I just keep moving, they won't see me come or go. Confidence, head up high, it's all a show. Shouldn't matter what they say, cos' me, they just don't know.



Yup, it did stick, and I think that I am coming down now, however, I still posted that I was going to deactivate, because at that moment in time, I had, had it with everybody.

I'm glad that I am feeling better now, and snapped my mouth tight, or rather my fingers and stopped myself from saying all the things that were going through my head. I still think that maybe it is necessary to tart an alternative fb page for spiritual and creative pursuits only, none of the bs games, quizzes and poli rants. Its tired, and I am tired, tired and on fire at the same time. I'm taking half the day off on Friday, and if I could I would ditch work entirely tomorrow, just because. I'm glad that I will be working in a cage in a few weeks, as it seems fitting to me right now. I always joked that I wanted to work in a cave, all by myself, this is pretty close to that, only, I will be able to see out, we shall see how that goes. In due time, I will have created something brilliant that I will be able to live off of, and there will be no more daily working stiff for me, I need to get on with my life, away from the energy draining masses, and just be by myself, me, with my laptop, ideas, patience, focus, money to make my way, and a whole lot of inspiration. That's the dream, and I am dreaming it, I should not just be some stressed outworking stiff, I wouldn't ba able to live with myself, hey, it get's harder to live with my life everyday, as I clearly know, that it has got to be better then this.

I know this much, that this is not all that there is. There are too many opportunitities in this life, too many choices. We can confine ourself, to small, simple, safe places, or we can branch out and strive for something more. For years I have been seeking my joy. I know that the only real joy I have ever known, is doing this, writing. Do you want a story , hey, I'll write you one.

I'll also tell you the truth, at least the truth that I see. The things I love, and I am so scared to touch the things that I hate, the things that hurt me. It's like those thoughts are poison, and it is venting, and then I am there venting poison, which goes completely against what I believe, so it's an internal struggle I am dealing with right now.

I have old notebooks filled with heartbreak and struggle, and there are also pages filled with tales of my days of awakening. I have been asked why I keep the tough stuff, why don't I just burn the bad notebooks, get rid of them?
What's the answer, they brought me to here...
I cant reconcile within myself parting with those, because they were a time in my life, a time that through pain, loss, remorse, and sorrow helped me grow and made me want to be a better person.

For what it's worth, I know this was a different kind of post, and maybe that is good, it is real and that is me. My battery is drained, mine and my computers. We both need to to sleep. Thanks for being here, there, wherever you are. Thanks to god for getting me through this day, Bless us all and keep us safe. God bless, and namaste. AMEN.