Tuesday...Let Us Remember All That We Are

Let's all take a moment to focus and reflect. The swift passage of time, the way that life envelops us. The day to day doings that persist. The pulling of limp spirit from the bed, to begin another day. The enthusiasm that comes with Friday morning, the excitement that once again, we can unwrap some of what we know as our time. We forget how precious and fleeting it all really is. How does that happen? Distracted by the filler, the tv. the noise, all around us, muffling the cry of our souls - inside, some of us long for something more. The better way, the higher ground, the harmony, enthusiasm, enlightenment...where is it?

Thursday... Blurs Day

Didya ever have one of those days that clipped along so fast? It's like 8:00, then its 10:30, then it's, 12: 50- like it is now. This is how the weekend passes, not Thurday's Though. Let's just say, no gripes, as I am digging it.

I went to see my mom last night, and she gave me a case that I could keep my paint supplies in, which I think is wonderful, because, up until now, they were in a plastic bag. I will need to go out this weekend- buy some more canvas, maybe a few new paint colors too. I am thrilled that Friday and Payday are just around the bend.

So, after seeing mom, I was really glad I did. We spoke around the elephant in the room and kept any mention in the abstract, which, I think yesterday was what we needed to do. I was glad to see her feeling better, I hope it sticks, as I am praying for her. She is a great lady, and really deserves to be happy. She is genuine, and wonderful, generous, she is the kind of woman we should all want to be, and I am really glad that she is in my life.

I have been doing everything I can to center myself, and attain some degree of harmony- I keep trying. I really want to be an all around good person, and I am trying so hard, watching my words, thoughts, judgements, AAARRRGGGG!!!
Just keep reminding myself that we are all human, and I don't have the right to be critical of others, that I must work on myself, Like I am doing, Here and Now, Working On Me.

And So It Goes, Another Day

Well, It's Wednesday, a marking day, as it was one week ago today that sweet baby left this world. Trying to handle it with insight, with attempts to pour some optimism into my spirit, trying.

Feeling off, not just today, but let's say the last few weeks. Like I'm lost, or just going along. I feel like my enthusiasm has gone off on a run without me, and left me here to just deal. I want so much to feel a degree of normalcy, and I know that there are things in my life that need changing. Funny about attachment, the ones you should sever never want to leave- and the ones you would like to keep, can't stick around. I just feel like I'm going through the motions, that everything I do is dull and without color, aside from my paintings, they are getting a little brighter, nonsensical Yes, but brighter. I put a prayer out there for all those that matter so much to me, to give us strength, love, guidance and support and hope that it helps. I seem to be talking to God alot lately, not in the conventional Let's go to church way, just working through it with him. Talking to him in the morning, and then again when I go to bed at night. I should probably talk to him more throughout the day, I just get so caught up. Let me just say, I hope he is listening, at least, I think he is. I know that me and my family could use the loving guidance, so I'll just keep asking, talking and giving my thanks.

A New Day...Hope

Well, judging by the tone of what has already been written, I feel it only necessary to shift gears a little. To see the bigger picture for what it is. The observations I have made as of late are these: Suffering Sucks! Crying, losing, remorse, sadness...The whole Loss and Pain thing is that which we all wish we could bypass. Wouldn't it be great if everything could be good all the time? Wouldn't we just love constant happiness?
The answer is No. I'm sure we would all be disenchanted by happiness as a constant. Where would the struggle be, the fire, the excitement. The world of vanilla, the same, same, same- all the time. And again, the startling realization that only through loss, do we treasure what we have. Only through that pain can we rise up and embrace all the wonderful things we have been given. In those moments of sadness and heartbreak, we always wish we could have done something, said something...changed something. And it is only through the eyes of regret and loss- the heartbreak that we see. That is what it takes to come to a place of understanding. I know, tough way to learn a lesson, and the funniest part is, if you ever read Ram Dass- It's all a cosmic joke. We think that we are so important, that there is something permanent to any of this. HA! It's all transitory- we're all going to go sooner or later- and we are all so caught, Holding so tight, struggling for permanence, fighting difficulties- we can't let go-the attachment creates the struggle, and the holding on feeds the struggle. And, it is alot to wrap your head around. We take it all so seriously- we think we can change it, make it stop- we attempt our interventions. We can only do, what we can do. Let's all stop and think about this for a while. Let us all Stop.

Ode To Sweet Baby...

I must continue from where I left off, I hope that someday soon, a digital picture of Sweet Baby will grace this page so that not just my words, but, her sweet face will be a testament to just how wonderful she was. This is my tribute to her.

The Sweet Baby Back story goes like this. In late August 2000, my mother's then beloved cat Bugger was very ill, she had him since he was a kitten, and he loved her best. He was gorgeous, black himalayan with fluffy bloomer legs. He had a fiery personality and the one who saw the most of his sweetness was mom. When he passed she was sick about it. Was sure that she never wanted a cat again, at least not for a long time.

A few days after losing Bugger, it was like no time at all. This beautiful, Maine coon cat started wandering around her yard while she was outside working in the garden. And she just meowed and meowed and meowed. And I remember seeing her outside, meowing at my mom, and mom was like, NO WAY, she's not gonna break me. The next time I went to visit Mom- few days, maybe a week later. Sweet baby was sitting inside the door to my mom's house- in the kitchen, looking like a very happy cat. My mom could not deny it, sweet baby won her over- and so they made a life together. Would you believe that after Sweet Baby had meowed her way into my mom's house and heart- She NEVER MEOWED AGAIN...Sweet baby was awesome. So gentle, and sweet. You should have seen how she was with my brother Leigh when he would come to town to visit, they were just in love with each other. It was sickeningly beautiful to watch. Sweet Baby has such a wonderful personality and disposition, we all could not help to love her.

So, around Easter she sounded wheezy, congested. My mother had done rounds with antibiotics on and off for quite some time, as sweet baby would have really thick mucous. I think we thought that this was part of that, however, it was different. And, since Easter my mom was back and forth to the vet with sweet baby, trying to get some idea what was wrong with her- they checked her chest, lungs, found nothing. The breathing just kept getting worse. On the surface Sweet Baby was herself- otherwise, she just wasn't breathing right, it just seemed that somehow she was managing it. Touch and go for weeks...

Finally, after Sweet Baby had gone through a bout with not eating, and mom had given her broth, and was driving herself up the wall from lack of sleep and worry, as sweet baby got worse late at night, and it kept mom on edge.

Mom realized it was in her throat, sure that something was stuck in there
maybe dry cat food, something in her nasal cavity...there was hope for a minute that they could find it and remove it. My mother had to have her put under for the scope, and they lost sweet baby for a minute when that happened. What they found was a heart break. There was a growth blocking her windpipe, going into her throat. It was terrible. We couldn't understand- ANY OF US, how a wonderful cat who brought nothing but JOY would have to experience something like this. My mom could not do anything- that was Monday- she had to process.

On Tuesday evening- I spoke with my mom, and she told me that she was going in Wednesday morning for the second opinion, and that she was not sure how or what was going to happen.
I asked if I could come see her for a while. She said I could as long as I didn't take her down the tubes. So, the evening with Sweet Baby was nice, I spent alot of time petting her, kissing her, cuddling her as much as I could, listening to her labored breathing- wishing she would sound better- she never did. I memorized her big white paws, kissed them, kissed her head, ran my fingers through the long white fur on her stomach, and just soaked her in. She played with her cat toys, still alert, as sharp as always . I watched her go back and forth to the food, about 5 or 6 times while I was there. Dry food, wet food, water. Hey, she even ate a spider. And, I just loved her, and I tried to soak in as much of her as possible, so that I would always remember. Because, I knew, as much as I didn't want to believe, I was saying goodbye- not just for me, but for Leigh, and Lance and Angel. I did not cry. I wanted to, but, I didn't, I didn't for Mom. I could not take us down that road, not yet, as nothing had been decided. And we went back and forth- the whole time I was there, that this did not seem like a cat in bad shape, not a dying cat. These shouldn't even be our thoughts.

I finally left, my stomach was hurting so badly by the time I left there was no option, and I went home and slept. When I awoke Wed to get ready for work, I just had this bad feeling, this sadness, and loss. I started crying then, and got it together, and cried more at my desk when I got to work, and more around 10:00 because that's when I knew she was at the vet, and intermittently throughout the day. I just knew that she was gone...

I cried as if I had already heard the news. And, when my heartbroken mom finally told me at 7:15 that night, we cried more. And since Wed. I have cried so many times over that Beautiful cat, and what a loss this is. And, how terrible I feel for my mom having to go through all that. I always wished Sweet Baby would live forever- and, in a way, she will. Hopefully through this, I can make her stay alive in a way, and remember her for the comfort and love she provided- her gentle, sweet, beautiful way. And we will all know, that there was never another cat like her. May she be blessed, serene and at peace. With love always, you will endure. Rest In Peace Sweet Baby Kitty- Rest In Peace- You deserve it.

Please note: The Kitty above is not sweet baby, however, very similar, as I do not yet have a digital image of sweet baby, this, is pretty close.

Create A Rewarding Life.

FAITH KNOWS!